Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Ole' Shep
-------------------------

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullsh*t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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New Car
-------------------------

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to
California.

Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and
fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the
high octane pump.

"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test,"
replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking
the car up and down.

"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is
a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.

"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering,
power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD
player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and
pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument
package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into
his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change
are a few golf tees.

"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.

"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Guess Who
-------------------------

Two male friends are out golfing one Saturday
afternoon. After finishing one hole, they wait
for the two women who are ahead of them at the
next hole to finish. They wait a few minutes,
but soon get irritated at the amount of time
the women are taking to play the hole.

One of the men decides that enough is enough.
He tells his friend, "I'm going to go up there
and tell those two to hurry up!"

He starts walking towards the women but after
getting halfway there, he returns to his friend.
"What's wrong?" his friend asks.

"I can't go over there. One of those women
is my wife and the other is my mistress."

His friend tells him, "That's okay, I'll go
talk to them."

He too starts walking towards the women but
after getting halfway there, he too returns to
his friend. He tells his friend,

"Small world..."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Claven Theory
-------------------------

The "Claven Theory" offers the besy proof that beer actually does make you smarter.....
"One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went:
Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Don't you feel smarter after a few?

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Dentist
-------------------------

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to
go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did
you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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First Date
-------------------------

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met
the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card
invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to
dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the
dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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710 Cap
-------------------------

This an interactive joke, so have a piece of paper and pen handy.

A blonde woman walks into an auto parts store and the parts man asks how she
is doing and what can he do for her. She replies, "Fine, I need a seven-ten
cap for my car." The man asks," A seven-ten cap? Where does it go, I've
never heard of such a thing?"

The blonde angrily replies, "It goes on top of the engine and don't think
just because I'm blonde I don't know what I'm talking about!!" Perplexed,
the parts man asks if she would draw him a picture and maybe help him out in
figuring out what it is she needs.

Reader: Draw the number 710 in the middle of the paper and draw a circle
around the whole number. Now turn the paper upside down.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Nun
-------------------------

The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning
and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of
your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "Because
when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just
takes your hands first!"

"What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little
Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other
night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'O God,
I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Bathtub Test
-------------------------

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.

Oh, I understand, said the visitor.

A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

No said the Director, A normal person would pull the plug out.

Do you want a bed near the window?

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Eating Grass
-------------------------

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine
when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to
stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one of the men "Why are you
eating the grass?"

"We don't have money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

The man answered "But sir, I have a wife and two children!

"Bring them along" replied the lawyer. The lawyer turn to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children?" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed
into the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are
too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Mourning at a Grave Site
-------------------------

A man placed some flowers on the grave of
his dearly departed mother and started back
toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound
intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you
have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to intrude on your private
grief, but this demonstration of pain is more
than I've ever seen before. For whom do you
mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself,
then replied, "My wife's first husband."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Various Quotes
-------------------------

"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." -- Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on.

"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" -- George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign.

"This is a great day for France!" -- Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral.

"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'" -- George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students.

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh...setbacks." -- George Bush

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." -- Dan Quayle

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989.

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind-or not to have a mind. How true that is." -- Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund.

"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland." -- William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address.

"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." -- George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." -- George Bush

"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed." -- Ronald Reagan

"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed." -- Ronald Reagan

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Scientific Fact
-------------------------

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the
frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses
and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed
ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese......

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Letter of Recommendation
-------------------------

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of
human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I
think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that
next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It
read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he
left us, we were very satisfied."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Terrible Accident
-------------------------

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was
mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that
modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that
his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered
cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small,
$6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor
urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th February, 2012

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State Trooper
-------------------------

Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they
get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up
and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver
rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks
him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in Pennsylvania son. When we
pull you over, you better have your license ready when we
get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.
He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger
side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window
and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're
gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that Son-of-a-B*tch would've tried
that sh*t with me!"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Words of Wisdom
-------------------------

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print.
There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella,
then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency
in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years,
we'll have thousands of old ladies
running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint,
you are probably dead.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Cat Quotes
-------------------------

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." -
-Dave Platt

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are
subtle and will piss on your computer." --Bruce
Graham

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants
breakfast." --Unknown

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as
gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats
to pull a sled through the snow." --Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --
English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --
Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemmingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message
and get back to you later." --Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are
subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of
one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in
their next life." --Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe.
They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The
wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte
Taine

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats
are there to welcome me." --Unknown

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of
life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --
Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are
God."

"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and
cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities
as well." --Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make
friends with strange cats." --Colonial American
proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does
any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood
Krutch

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic"

"My husband said it was either him or the cat ... I
miss him sometimes."

"Dogs have owners....cats have a staff".

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Quote of the Day
-------------------------

Woman's Quote of the Day:

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job
to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go
all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Thermos
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A blonde was shopping at Walmart and came across a shiny silver thermos.

She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it
over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and
cold things cold."

"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!" So
she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss, who
is also blonde, saw it on her desk.

"What's that?" she asked.

"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,"
she replied.

"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?"

"Two Popsicles and some coffee."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Young Preacher
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A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold
a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone
with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got
himself lost, making several wrong turns.

He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the
workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in
place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:
"Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Cabbie and the Nun
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A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask
you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and
have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number 1,
you have to be single and number 2, you must be Catholic."

The ! cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get
back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and
I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Strangers
-------------------------

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the
Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.
"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who
looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes?
Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Lawyer on Vacation
-------------------------

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.

Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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More Deep Thoughts
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Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP?

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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-------------------------

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female
crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator,
which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would
happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the
intercom to the
entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans ,
please raise your hand?'

Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself. Men never
learn!

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