Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Helping Hand
-------------------------

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they
came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog
on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is
carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said
the little one.

"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl,
"and they screw you every time!"





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Monday, May 29, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Graduate
-------------------------

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"


The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"


The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"


The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



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Sunday, May 28, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Human Body
-------------------------

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.


One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."


Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."


The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



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Saturday, May 27, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Got Milk?
-------------------------

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."



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Friday, May 26, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Slide Down the Banister
-------------------------

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.





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Thursday, May 25, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Fancy Restaurant
-------------------------

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies...

... "You just happened to catch my eye





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Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sick of Blonde Jokes?
-------------------------

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"

"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".

"Wow!" said the herder.

"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it?" queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"




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Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
You Know It's Time to Diet When..
-------------------------

* You dance and it makes the band skip.

* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

* You could sell shade.

* Your blood type is Ragu.

* You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.









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Monday, May 22, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Puns, For the Educated Mind
-------------------------

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.









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Sunday, May 21, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Spiritualism
-------------------------

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"

"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."

"Well, then, where are you?"

"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."








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Saturday, May 20, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Sparrow
-------------------------

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.



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Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hearing Aid
-------------------------

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."



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Monday, May 15, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gunfighting Tips
-------------------------

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted
more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he
wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the
West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him
a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think
you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and
shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his
gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here.. Got any
more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See
that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on
the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle
and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

The Old Timer said , "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much if it's
all greased up."




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Sunday, May 14, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Hunter
-------------------------

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap
clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was
examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"

The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt
the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap
was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. "Oh,"
exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"


"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my
life."


"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"


"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.






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Saturday, May 13, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ugly Suit
-------------------------

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his
clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the
bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that
terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted
thing?!" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get
rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit
we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit,
his seeing-eye dog bit me."





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Friday, May 12, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Vacuum Cleaner
-------------------------

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!






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Thursday, May 11, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Final Exam
-------------------------

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand".




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Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Fishing
-------------------------

Two guys from Blount County are sittin' in a boat on Douglas Lake
fishing and suckin' down beer when all of a sudden Bill says, "I think
I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6
months."

Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like
that are hard to find."




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Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Old Is When..
-------------------------



Your friend compliments you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

A young babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"Getting a little action" means, "I don't need to take any fiber today."

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

An "all nighter" means not getting up to go use the bathroom!

"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.





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Monday, May 8, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New United Airlines Motto's:
-------------------------

"Drag and Drop"

"We put the hospital in hospitality"

"Board as a doctor, leave as a patient"

"Our prices can't be beaten, but our passengers can"

"We have First Class, Business Class and No Class"

"Not enough seating, prepare for a beating"

"We treat you like we treat your luggage"

"We beat the customer. Not the competition"

"And you thought leg room was an issue"

"Where voluntary is mandatory"

"Fight or flight. We decide"

"Now offering one free carry off"

"Beating random customers since 2017"

"If our staff needs a seat, we'll drag you out by your feet"

"A bloody good airline"



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Sunday, May 7, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
What Turns You On?
-------------------------

A Woman gets naked in front of her husband and asks: "What turns you on the most, my pretty face, my voluptuous bust or my sexy butt???

He briefly looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humor."




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Saturday, May 6, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Ten Commandments
-------------------------

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are
thunder and lightning.


Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.


Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100
grand!


Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first
year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the
second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third
year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.


Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.


Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night
thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall
asleep before you finish.


Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.


Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.


Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After
that, he is finished..





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Friday, May 5, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Devil
-------------------------

A few minutes before the church services started, the
congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to
get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was
empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly
in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know
who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked
Satan.

Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man,
in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying
agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't
you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for
48 years.'








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Thursday, May 4, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Apples
-------------------------

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'




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Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Police Quotes
-------------------------

#16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

#15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new, they'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything
I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine weather you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4. "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2. "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS...

#1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."




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Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Phone
-------------------------

The place where I work decided to provide company-paid cell phones to the "suits" upstairs. After negotiating a deal with a cell phone company, we arranged for the phones to be sent to the homes of the various VIP's.

The day after delivery, I received a call from a partner screaming about how his cell phone didn't work. He said he charged it overnight just like the sheet said, but in the morning, it wouldn't power up.

I asked EXACTLY what he did with the phone when he got it.

"I took it out, plugged the charger into the wall and into the phone."

"Did you put the battery in the phone?"

"Not the extra one."

"Sir, the phone only came with one battery."

(Pause) "Oh, I think I figured out what's wrong with it."




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Monday, May 1, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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New Words for the Workplace
-------------------------

Essential NEW WORDS FOR editions for the work-place vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded
"administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

CROP DUSTING
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust.





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