Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sex Drive
-------------------------

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive
is all in your head?"

"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want
it lowered!"



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Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Lawn
-------------------------

A guy is trying to relax at home, but his wife keeps nagging him to mow the lawn. Finally, in between nags he blurts out, "Answer just this one question for me."

She pauses momentarily, and he takes this opportunity to say, "You know, a Deer, a Cow, and a Horse, all eat grass. But a Deer's excretions are pellets, while a Cow makes flat pies, and a Horse makes clumps...why is that?"

His wife says, "I don't know."

He replies, "Well then, how can you bring up the subject of the lawn, when it's obvious you don't know sh*t?"





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Monday, September 28, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Axioms
-------------------------

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going to burn your ass.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't need them again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where in the hell is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!!

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Be careful...a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.

Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed bump.

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without a hard-on, make him a sandwich!

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!

How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap!




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Sunday, September 27, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pet Rooster
-------------------------

Old Farmer Went To Town To See A Movie The Ticket Agent
Asked, "sir, What's That On Your Shoulder?" The Old Farmer
Said, "that's My Pet Rooster Chucky . Wherever I Go, Chucky
Goes."

I Am Sorry Sir," Said The Ticket Agent . "we Can't Allow
Animals In The Theater."

The Old Farmer Went Around The Corner And Stuffed The Bird Down His Overalls . He Returned To The Booth, Bought A Ticket And Entered The Theater .

He Sat Down Next To Two Old Widows Named Mildred And Marge.

The Movie Started And The Rooster Began To Squirm . The Old Farmer Unbuttoned His Fly So Chucky Could Stick His Head Out And Watch The Movie .

"Marge," Whispered Mildred . "What?" Said Marge

"I Think The Guy Next To Me Is A Pervert."

"What Makes You Think So?" Asked Marge .

"He Undid His Pants And He Has His Thing Out," Whispered
Mildred .

"Well, Don't Worry A Bout It," Said Marge.

" At Our Age We've Seen 'em All"

"I Thought So Too," Said Mildred,

But This One's Eatin My Popcorn!"




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Saturday, September 26, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sarcastic Remarks For Work
-------------------------

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep
yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?






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Friday, September 25, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Mommy, How Old Are You?
-------------------------

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner. "Mommy, how old are you?" she asked.

"Now dear," said her mother, "You should never ask a woman what her age is."

"Why not?" demanded Jenny.

"Because it isn't polite. You'll understand better when you grow up."

Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

"Jenny," said her mother, "That's not a question you ask people."

"Why not?" demanded Jenny.

"Because it's not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You'll understand some day."

"Mommy," Jenny asked, "Why did you and Daddy get divorced?"

"Darling," her mother replied with a sigh, "That's something that's still very painful for Mommy, and I really can't talk about it now. I'll explain when you are a little older."

The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, "All you have to do is get a look at your mom's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it."

So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother's purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, "I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!"

Her mother looked down at her, surprised. "And I know how much you weigh!" said Jenny. "You weigh 135 pounds." "Jenny, where did you learn this?", her mother asked. Jenny just smiled and continued, "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Her mother just gasped and asked, "Why?"

Jenny replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"





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Thursday, September 24, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Shoplifting
-------------------------

A 57-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before
the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of
peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was
hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's
husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said," What is it? "

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."




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Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
C-141
-------------------------

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.

As he's left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"






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Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Fisherman
-------------------------

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish
at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always
leave with a stringer full of fish.

The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen.
The farmer mentioned the situation to the game warden. The
warden then started watching this man and all that the
farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in
the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full
of fish.


The warden dressed like a fisherman one day and approached
the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked
the warden in disguise to come fish with him. They boated
for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot.


The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. The warden
said, "I'm going to have to place you under arrest--I am a
game warden and you are fishing illegally!"


The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it
to the warden. The stranger then said, "Are you gonna talk
or fish?"






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Monday, September 21, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Poison
-------------------------

Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.




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Sunday, September 20, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Robins
-------------------------

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O K," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."






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Saturday, September 19, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pious Man
-------------------------

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly
stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's
absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi
went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How
come after all these years we don't see you at services
anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you,
Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to
take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.
So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about
me, and I don't want to remind Him!"





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Friday, September 18, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Old Maid
-------------------------

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was
still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were
getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the
following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. The undertaker, true to
his word, instructed his men to inscribe on the tombstone what the
lady had requested. The men went to carve it, but as they were lazy
and it was close to quitting time, they decided the inscription was
unnecessarily long. So they simply carved:

"Returned unopened."





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Thursday, September 17, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Forgive Your Enemies
-------------------------

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies."
He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands.
He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three," she replied.

"Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived every one of those bitches!"





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Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Meeting St. Peter
-------------------------

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and
falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in
a white robe standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing
in my bedroom? ...... and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you
are in heaven."


"WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die ..... I'm too
young." said Tom. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back
immediately."


"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or
a hen. You can choose on your own"


Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is
too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.


Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as
a hen." Tom replied. In the next second, he found himself in a chicken
run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow ........ then along
came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it
feel?"


"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."


"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on.
Have you never laid an egg before?? Cluck twice, and then you push all you
can."


Tom clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.


"Wow" Tom said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and
squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.


The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, for Pete's
sake!!! Wake up ... you're ' crappin ' all over the bed!"





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Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Devil
-------------------------

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."




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Monday, September 14, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Sparrow
-------------------------

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.



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Sunday, September 13, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Four Horse
-------------------------

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Four Horse".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean,


NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"





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Saturday, September 12, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Alamo
-------------------------

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.

Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we landscaping today?"





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Friday, September 11, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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25 Cents
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!





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Thursday, September 10, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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25 Cents
-------------------------

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!





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Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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How to clean your toilet the fun way!
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1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash" and "rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet , streak through the bathroom and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog





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Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Big Bird
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Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to
save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling
to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge-------
into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol
days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over
the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"




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Monday, September 7, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Architect, Artist and an Engineer
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An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" they asked.

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."







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Sunday, September 6, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Scripture
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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of
Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the
act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"
(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may
be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why
did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yelling a scripture to
you."


"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"







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Saturday, September 5, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Worms
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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his
5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
so he produced an experiment that involved a
glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.


"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said
the professor while putting a worm into the water.


The worm in the water writhed about, happy
as a worm in water could be. He then put the
second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and
writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to
the bottom, dead as a doornail.


"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?"
the professor asked.


Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised
his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink
whiskey and you won't get worms."







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Friday, September 4, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Golf Resort
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A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!

The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:

Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

"I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

"Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"





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Thursday, September 3, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Late for Work
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Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week
and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?"
he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to
drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the
drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river,
look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr.
Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was
carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously
disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."






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Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Piece of Cake
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Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a
cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two
hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little
Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece
around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"





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Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st September, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st September, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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A Cowboy Named Bud
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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.




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