Funny Jokes Corner: 2010

Friday, December 31, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Marathon
-------------------------

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.
One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her
husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your
clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"

Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's
raining like hell out there."

Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed
outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started
running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his
clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having
the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on
your arm?"

Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the
end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

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-------------------------

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Thursday, December 30, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Chicks
-------------------------

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Not Waking The Wife
-------------------------

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!' And, she's always sound asleep."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Donation
-------------------------

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor
of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It
happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as
the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the
distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,
approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000
a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I
give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do
for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he
practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las
Vegas and one in Reno."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Monday, December 27, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Last Request
-------------------------

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said,
"Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will
have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "What do you want me to do with
your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail
them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope,
"Now, you have everything."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Sunday, December 26, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Italian Bread
-------------------------

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th it'll be hard?"

He replied, "Holy sh*t ... does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?!"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Friday, December 24, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Growing Old
-------------------------

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.

Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Thursday, December 23, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Good News/Bad News
-------------------------

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."

"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Barb, it's me, Rose."

"You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Sign
-------------------------

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and
bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his
office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign
back!"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Monday, December 20, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Insuring a Wooden Leg
-------------------------

A man and his wife, moved back home to North Carolina, from Texas. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it
in Texas Was $2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in North Carolina, they went to an insurance Agency, to see how much it would cost to insure
the leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here In North Carolina to insure, because it cost him
$2000.00 in Texas!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: *Any
wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Sunday, December 19, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Adam's Rib
-------------------------

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a
woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and
when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you.

And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children.

And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and p!!!ion
whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Saturday, December 18, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Advice
-------------------------

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Friday, December 17, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Drunk Arrest
-------------------------

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him,
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you
say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Boobs."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Thursday, December 16, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Hot Dogs
-------------------------

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the
other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might
as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and
they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in
foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a
bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

The mother superior is first to open hers.She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers
...cautiously: "What part did you get?

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Old Goat
-------------------------

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday
dinner.

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the
minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you
sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as
well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Southern Farmer
-------------------------

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm
and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer
pa home?" he asked.

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he
went with pa and ma."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one
foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where
all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer
pa."

Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about
your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally
conceded. "I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but
I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Monday, December 13, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
50 Dollars
-------------------------

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and
every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that
helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that
helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85
years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another
chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50
dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one
word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot

turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get
you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Sunday, December 12, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Tribe
-------------------------

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," She replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor."I'd like to write this up for The Montana Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" Asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied, "We're called

(You know me, I hate to do this to you)

"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Saturday, December 11, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Fortune Teller
-------------------------

A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible
death this year."

Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face,
then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked his question:

"Will I be found guilty?"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Thursday, December 9, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Broken Lawn Mower
-------------------------

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept
hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the
message never sank in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make the
point.

When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the
tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a
toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might
as well sweep the sidewalks."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Young Preacher
-------------------------

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold
a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone
with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got
himself lost, making several wrong turns.

He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the
workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in
place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:
"Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Good Advice
-------------------------

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.

"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Monday, December 6, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lawyer Defending a Thief
-------------------------

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Sunday, December 5, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Nuthouse Suicide
-------------------------

After hearing that one of the patients in a
mental hospital had saved another from a
suicide attempt by pulling him out of a
bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's
file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic
behaviour indicate that you're ready to go
home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved
later killed himself with a rope around the
neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James
replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Saturday, December 4, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
That's How the Fight Started
-------------------------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed,
made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the
garage. I hooked up the boat up to
the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour. The
wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back
into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back,
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight
started...

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Friday, December 3, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Games For When We Are Older
-------------------------

1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9 Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

10. Musical recliners.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Thursday, December 2, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Female Hormones
-------------------------

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st December, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st December, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Mourning at a Grave Site
-------------------------

A man placed some flowers on the grave of
his dearly departed mother and started back
toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound
intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you
have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to intrude on your private
grief, but this demonstration of pain is more
than I've ever seen before. For whom do you
mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself,
then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Noah in America
-------------------------

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -- but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.

"I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentaliststhat I needed the wood to save the owls -- but no go!

"When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property.

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-poof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

"Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits..

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean You're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Monday, November 29, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Switched Inputs
-------------------------

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone,
and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into
the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our
computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and
started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She
called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed,
nothing would happen.

The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my
monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "Whaa??" the teacher blubbered.

Then I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got really upset. "I
didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep
from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000
went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.

Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my
chair laughing. After they had realised what I had done, they both
turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Sunday, November 28, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sisters of St. Francis
-------------------------

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he
notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on
without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which
says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for
real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the
drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone
building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is
answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may
we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along
the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son", the nun answers. "Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the
man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit,
holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs,
"Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large
wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second
nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,
pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he
finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small
sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Saturday, November 27, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Who Says Men Arn't Sensitive
-------------------------

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up
leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet
cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way
along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge
enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,
especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to
him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!

She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's
clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of
passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the
afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for
you?"

The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Friday, November 26, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Smart Johnny
-------------------------

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Outhouse
-------------------------

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells
back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,

"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies,...... "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Monday, November 22, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ten Times
-------------------------

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up,
angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell
my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the
question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big
trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up,
looked around nervously and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when
stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady,
I have three things to say: Number 1: You have a dirty mind; Number 2: You didn't read your homework;
and Number 3: One day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Sunday, November 21, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Whale
-------------------------

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Saturday, November 20, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gynecology and Mechanics
-------------------------

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school.

He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade.

"I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly -- and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20101120

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Friday, November 19, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Six Pack
-------------------------

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What?" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack?"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'" "'Widow?'" she said, "'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' " So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20101119

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Thursday, November 18, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Laws of the Natural Universe
-------------------------

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with
grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get
a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat
tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works
every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you
know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is
cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to
the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know
what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20101118

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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Where is Harry?
-------------------------

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into
pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under
a hugh buck.

"Where's Harry?", asked another hunter.

"He fainted a couple miles up the trail,"

Harry's partner answered. "You left him lying there alone and carried
the deer back?"

"It was a tough decision," said the hunter. "But I figured
no one is going to steal Harry."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20101117

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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Redneck Test
-------------------------

Two rednecks were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?"

The other replies, "He had a farm."

The first asks, "How do you spell it?"

To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20101116

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
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