JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th January, 2021 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
An Affair
-------------------------
An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to
the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11
grandchildren. Last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18
year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest replied, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in
confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
The priest paused, and then asked, "So then, why are you telling me?"
"Hey, I'm telling everybody."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, January 27, 2021
Monday, January 25, 2021
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th January, 2021
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th January, 2021 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
-------------------------
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
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-------------------------
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
-------------------------
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
-------------------------
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Sunday, January 24, 2021
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th January, 2021
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th January, 2021 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Sunbathing
-------------------------
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing
suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see
her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd
hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying
on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath
from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on
the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit
as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a
towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the
dining room skylight."
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-------------------------
Sunbathing
-------------------------
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing
suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see
her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd
hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying
on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath
from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on
the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit
as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a
towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the
dining room skylight."
-------------------------
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Saturday, January 23, 2021
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd January, 2021
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd January, 2021 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Insuring a Leg
-------------------------
A man and his wife, moved back home to North Carolina, from Texas. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it
in Texas Was $2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in North Carolina, they went to an insurance Agency, to see how much it would cost to insure
the leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here In North Carolina to insure, because it cost him
$2000.00 in Texas!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: *Any
wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Insuring a Leg
-------------------------
A man and his wife, moved back home to North Carolina, from Texas. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it
in Texas Was $2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in North Carolina, they went to an insurance Agency, to see how much it would cost to insure
the leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here In North Carolina to insure, because it cost him
$2000.00 in Texas!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: *Any
wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.
-------------------------
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Friday, January 22, 2021
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd January, 2021
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd January, 2021 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Forgive Your Enemies
-------------------------
The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies."
He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands.
He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three," she replied.
"Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived every one of those bitches!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Forgive Your Enemies
-------------------------
The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies."
He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands.
He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three," she replied.
"Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived every one of those bitches!"
-------------------------
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Thursday, January 21, 2021
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st January, 2021
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st January, 2021 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Traffic Court
-------------------------
A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."
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-------------------------
Traffic Court
-------------------------
A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, January 20, 2021
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th January, 2021
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th January, 2021 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Social Security
-------------------------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office
to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized
I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too'
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Social Security
-------------------------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office
to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized
I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too'
-------------------------
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Tuesday, January 19, 2021
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th January, 2021
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th January, 2021 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Boss
-------------------------
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and
bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his
office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign
back!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Boss
-------------------------
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and
bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his
office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign
back!"
-------------------------
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Monday, January 18, 2021
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th January, 2021
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th January, 2021 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Top 10 Signs Your Company is Going Under
-------------------------
1. They start paying everyone in sea shells.
2. The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile takeover.
3. When you say, "See you tomorrow," the watchman laughs uncontrollably.
4. The chairman walks by your desk and says, "Hey, Hey! Easy on the staples!"
5. The initials of your company are "G.M."
6. Conference room has been turned into chinchilla farm.
7. Conversations at the water cooler are mainly with yourself.
8. Your boss casually asks you if you know anything about starting fires.
9. You get a lot of memos in Japanese.
10. Your boss asks you not to cash your check until next week.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Top 10 Signs Your Company is Going Under
-------------------------
1. They start paying everyone in sea shells.
2. The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile takeover.
3. When you say, "See you tomorrow," the watchman laughs uncontrollably.
4. The chairman walks by your desk and says, "Hey, Hey! Easy on the staples!"
5. The initials of your company are "G.M."
6. Conference room has been turned into chinchilla farm.
7. Conversations at the water cooler are mainly with yourself.
8. Your boss casually asks you if you know anything about starting fires.
9. You get a lot of memos in Japanese.
10. Your boss asks you not to cash your check until next week.
-------------------------
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Sunday, January 17, 2021
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th January, 2021
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th January, 2021 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Tired Lawyer
-------------------------
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His
last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling
worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'
'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself
up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had
been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged
tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around
and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Tired Lawyer
-------------------------
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His
last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling
worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'
'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself
up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had
been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged
tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around
and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?
-------------------------
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Saturday, January 16, 2021
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th January, 2021
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th January, 2021 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Sermon
-------------------------
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms."
Don't you just love little old ladies?!?!?!
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Sermon
-------------------------
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms."
Don't you just love little old ladies?!?!?!
-------------------------
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Thursday, January 14, 2021
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th January, 2021
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th January, 2021 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Ribs
-------------------------
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including
human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him
how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,
and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have
a wife.'
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Ribs
-------------------------
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including
human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him
how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,
and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have
a wife.'
-------------------------
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Wednesday, January 13, 2021
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th January, 2021
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th January, 2021 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Hole
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The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After
the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had
been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.
The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He
couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a
mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.
The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only
one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"
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-------------------------
The Hole
-------------------------
The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After
the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had
been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.
The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He
couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a
mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.
The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only
one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"
-------------------------
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Tuesday, January 12, 2021
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th January, 2021
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th January, 2021 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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White Hairs
-------------------------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
White Hairs
-------------------------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
-------------------------
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Monday, January 11, 2021
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th January, 2021
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th January, 2021 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Just Fred
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A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a
break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," the driver replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he
used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with
it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the
time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
"When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went
through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my
degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my
degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my
assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was
Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the
VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my dingaling . . . so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Just Fred
-------------------------
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a
break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," the driver replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he
used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with
it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the
time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
"When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went
through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my
degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my
degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my
assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was
Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the
VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my dingaling . . . so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
-------------------------
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Wednesday, January 6, 2021
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th January, 2021
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th January, 2021 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Save Every Penny
-------------------------
Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.
Joel, she said, I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath.
Don't worry. replied her husband. If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Save Every Penny
-------------------------
Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.
Joel, she said, I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath.
Don't worry. replied her husband. If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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Friday, January 1, 2021
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st January, 2021
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st January, 2021 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Canada
-------------------------
These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism
website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.
Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only six thousand km, take lots of water. . .
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)!
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places
to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a
list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary.
Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays
every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight
after the hippo races.
Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be
safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Canada
-------------------------
These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism
website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.
Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only six thousand km, take lots of water. . .
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)!
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places
to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a
list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary.
Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays
every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight
after the hippo races.
Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be
safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20210101
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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