Friday, July 31, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st July, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st July, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Arizona Crazy Law
-------------------------

1. You may not have more than two dildos in a house.

2. Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.

3. There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.

4. When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses.

5. Hunting camels is prohibited.

6. Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.

7. It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.

8. Cars may not be driven in reverse.

9. Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.

10. If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.

11. No more than six girls may live in any house.

12. It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.

13. A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.

14. An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.

15. No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.

16. Women may not wear pants.

17. It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

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Monday, July 27, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th July, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th July, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Making of a Gunfighter
-------------------------

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.''

Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the hot shot.. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will, ' said the old-timer.The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.

''Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much.

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Saturday, July 25, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th July, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th July, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Sleep Troubles
-------------------------

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

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Thursday, July 23, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd July, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd July, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Put More Stress Into Your Life!
-------------------------

1. Refuse to take action on nagging problems. Procrastinate, brood, and if possible, lose some sleep over them.

2. Make a concerted effort to take note of irritations in your life and blow them out of proportion.

3. Consider the power of negative thinking.

4. Hide your sense of humor. Erase the words smile, joke, and laugh from your vocabulary; concentrate on frowning.

5. If you've been working a 60 hour week, try 65 or 70 or 75! Spending more time at work will give you less time to consider how stressed you are.

6. Consume vast quantities of caffeine. As a stimulant it will ensure that you are awake day and night.

7. Practice the art of "hurry up and wait". This means dashing off to join a line-up somewhere - like the bank, cinema, or ticket outlet.

8. Make sure you drive no further than two feet from the car in front.

9. To relieve boredom while waiting for traffic lights, pretend you are on the starting grid for the Indy 500.

10. Never read a book or listen to music.

11. Play "Hide and Seek" by concealing important documents from yourself.

12. Delegate nagging problems. You've proved that you can't deal with them.

13. Tell yourself that your abilities are unlimited. Do not waver from this conviction until you are fired for lack of competence.

14. Giggle nervously. It will make other people nervous, meetings will be unproductive and you won't come away with a long list of things to do.

15. Find a disagreeable tennis partner. Perhaps your spouse.

16. When feeling stressful, breathe deeply and hyperventilate until you pass out.

17. Take up gardening. Nothing can be more stressful if you don't like it.

18. When things are going badly, knock your head against the wall. The resulting headache will supersede the original problem.

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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd July, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd July, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Things Not to Say to a Cop
-------------------------

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been going about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are you Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the officer says "Gee son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

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Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st July, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st July, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Tribe
-------------------------

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," She replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor."I'd like to write this up for The Montana Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" Asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied, "We're called

(You know me, I hate to do this to you)

"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred"

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Saturday, July 18, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th July, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th July, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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$20
-------------------------

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, There are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"'Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?' You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK? Good Luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?''

"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

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Friday, July 17, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th July, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th July, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Kids
-------------------------

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, the minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal
of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father
always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Sonnn . ......
and into the hole he gooooes."

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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th July, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th July, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
You work for the government if...
-------------------------

1. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.

2. You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do.

3. The process becomes more important than the product.

4. You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.

5. You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.

6. You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.

7. You realize that a paperless office is impossible. Actually, you believe it is possible, just not in your office.

8. You keep documents/manuals on projects that have been long since canceled.

9. You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.

10. You fly across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.

11. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different agencies.

12. Your name plate is attached with Velcro.

13. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

14. The office symbol on your badge is applied with tape.

15. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

16. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

17. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you loose your best jokes.

18. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

19. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

20. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

21. It's dark when you drive to and from work.

22. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

23. Communication is something your group is having problems with.

24. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

25. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

26. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

27. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

28. Art involves a white board.

29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.

30. You work 200 hours for the $100 performance check and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!"

31. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

32. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."

33. Vacation is something you roll over to next year.

34. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."

35. Change is the norm.

36. Nepotism is encouraged.

37. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures hang in your cube.

38. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

39. You can name more people that used to work with you than people who do.

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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th July, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th July, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Power of Interpretation
-------------------------

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy ..
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.
He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish
people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent'
debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay
in Italy !!!

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.
He then pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'


Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said.
'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.
'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right
here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out
mine.'

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Sunday, July 12, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th July, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th July, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Father Micheal
-------------------------

One Sunday morning, Father Micheal wakes up, looks at the azure sky and thinks to himself, Sod it! Think I will call in a sicky and go and play golf. He calls his Curate and tells him he feels terrible to have to cut out of his Sunday services, but he is really sick.

The Devil turns to God and asked "Are you going to let hime get away with this blatant dereliction of duty?"

"Nope." Replied God. "Just watch and learn."

Father Micheal decided that he aught to drive a distance away so he isn't recognised by any of his parishoners. He drives to High Elms near Farnborough in Kent and manages to get a green fee.

Father Micheal lines himself up on the first tee, takes a swipe at the ball and smashes it, straigh and true, past the bunker, splitting the fairway and leaving himself a short pitch to the sloping green. He selects his pitching wedge, takes a practice swing then hits the ball. It lands just inside the greenside bunker, skips on for a bounce or two, then rolls in a slow arc towards the pin, leaving a six inch up-hill put for birdie which he makes. Father Micheal is delighted.

"You are rewarding him for his slothfulness." Says the Devil.

"Shhh." Replies God. "Watch and learn."

Father Micheal slides his tee shot to the second around the trees on the right, his ball lands in the middle of the fairway leaving no more than a short wedge to the green. He birdies the hole. He pars the third and pars the difficult fourth.

Then, at the fifth, a short par three, Father Micheal's nine iron bounces once on the green and into the hole. His first ever ace!

"Come on God, the guy is playing better than professional golf here, do you not care he has bunked off work?"

"Shhh!" Says God. "Watch and learn."

Father Micheal continues, either paring or birdying his way around the course. Even the horrendously difficult thirteenth causes no problem to Father Micheal. He completes his round seven under par, has not dropped a shot and played the game of his life.

"Look!" Says the Devil, "This is just cannot right, you have allowed this servant of yours to bunk off work, play the game of his dreams, with your help on occasion I noticed, and as far as I can see, no punishment for his tardiness. If that is how you treat your followers, I really must have got it wrong." The Devil is perplexed. "I just don't understand it."

"Ahh but," Begins God. "It is true he has played, probably one of the best rounds ever to be played at High Elms, but, and this is the punishment, who can he tell?"


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Saturday, July 11, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th July, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th July, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
DUI
-------------------------

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.

A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly.

He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00. Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on.

The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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Friday, July 10, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th July, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th July, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Pet
-------------------------

This guy was so lonely that he decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told
the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion he finally bought a centipede (100-leg
bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar
for a drink. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would
you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him
a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
"How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the
situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time
putting his face up against the centipede's house and
shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's
place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:


"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"


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Thursday, July 9, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th July, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th July, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Leaving Thoughts...
-------------------------

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers
delivered then a good friend of the family phoned and complained
bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I knew he
died of diarrhea. But I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh*t he always was.


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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th July, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th July, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Something to Ponder
-------------------------

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently ****ed the driver off enough that he hung his head out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper
to bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.

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Sunday, July 5, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th July, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th July, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Married 50 Years
-------------------------

A couple
had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast
table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

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Friday, July 3, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd July, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd July, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Spelling
-------------------------

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in
copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to
question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy,
it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the
subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds
of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was..

CELEBRATE"

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-------------------------

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Thursday, July 2, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd July, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd July, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Not Very Romantic
-------------------------

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But
he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner
and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his
wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?"

Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey
out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?" Again Joe thought this
was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young
wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

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Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st July, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st July, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
An Angry Wife
-------------------------

A man left work one Friday afternoon but, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the whole weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally got home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was berated for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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-------------------------

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