Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th March, 2019

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th March, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Poor Eyesight
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70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.

Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"







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Monday, March 11, 2019

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th March, 2019

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th March, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Deer Hunting
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A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into
pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under
a hugh buck.

"Where's Harry?", asked another hunter.

"He fainted a couple miles up the trail,"

Harry's partner answered. "You left him lying there alone and carried
the deer back?"

"It was a tough decision," said the hunter. "But I figured
no one is going to steal Harry."







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Sunday, March 10, 2019

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th March, 2019

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th March, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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New Car
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A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to
scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought
it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that
for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--they
just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to
buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh No," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she
will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced
himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen
dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii
with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his
new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."






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Saturday, March 9, 2019

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th March, 2019

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th March, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Mid-Term Exam
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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.




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Thursday, March 7, 2019

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th March, 2019

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th March, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Sarcastic Remarks For Work
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And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep
yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?






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Tuesday, March 5, 2019

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th March, 2019

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th March, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Vasectomy
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A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a
sex change rather than a vasectomy"

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."






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Monday, March 4, 2019

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th March, 2019

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th March, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Funny Lines
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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get
into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a
relative.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer
or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them
get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh*t head's.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of
consecutive days I've stayed alive.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing section in a swimming pool?









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Sunday, March 3, 2019

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd March, 2019

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd March, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Jewerly
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As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying "I'm going to give you a bracelet."

"Has it got Rubies and Diamonds ?" I ask coyly.

"No," he said. "But it cost just as much."



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Friday, March 1, 2019

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st March, 2019

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st March, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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White Zinfandel
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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.





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