Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bird Tags
-------------------------

According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal
bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has
been changed.

The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey,
abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv."; until the agency received the
following letter from an Arkansas camper:

Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a
crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to
tell you it tasted horrible.

The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."




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Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Burglar
-------------------------

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a be*l he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'




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Monday, August 29, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Larry's Proverbs
-------------------------

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're inthe wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23.. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.




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Sunday, August 28, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Great Gift
-------------------------

Two old guys were chatting.....

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday was yesterday.
The wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!.....
Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"








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Saturday, August 27, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Balloonist
-------------------------

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."




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Thursday, August 25, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Modern Day Parable
-------------------------

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India

Sadly, the End.

Sad, but oh so true! Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages. Toyota has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US

The last quarter's results:

Toyota makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses. Ford folks are still scratching their heads.

IF THIS WASN'T SO SAD IT MIGHT BE FUNNY




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Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth
-------------------------

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."






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Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Camping
-------------------------

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying awake looking up at the sky.

Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"

"I see thousands of stars," replied Watson.

Then Holmes asked, "And what does that mean to you?"

"Well," said Watson "I suppose it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me Watson, it means someone has stolen our tent!"




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Monday, August 22, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Dog's Life
-------------------------

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
- Unknown

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- Unknown

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
- Gene Hill

In dog years, I'm dead.
- Unknown

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
- Aldous Huxley

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down.
- Robert Benchley

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to
bite people themselves.
- August Strindberg

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely
certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
- Fran Lebowitz

Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
- Anne Tyler

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
- James Thurber

You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with
pets.
- Nora Ephron

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful.
- Ann Landers

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get
used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should
have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of
the most fond memories!
- Dr. Tom Cat

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Edward Abbey

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look
like the dog did it.
- Unknown

Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
- Unknown

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog
does.
- Christopher Morley

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings

Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
- Holbrook Jackson

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andrew A. Rooney

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life,
his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat
of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
- Unknown

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
- Smiley Blanton

I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt,
and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
- John Steinbeck





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Sunday, August 21, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Socrates
-------------------------

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to
him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
one of your students?"


"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to
pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."


"Three?"


"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The
first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"


"Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."


"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or
not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you
are about to tell me about my student something good?"


"No, on the contrary..."


"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about
him even though you're not certain it's true?"


The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.


Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a
third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me
about my student going to be useful to me?"


"Well it....no, not really..."


"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither
True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"


The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a
great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair
with his wife.






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Saturday, August 20, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dear Abby
-------------------------

Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss To Answer The Following!

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man
go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the S*x, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even
sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with
him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I
get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an
hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he
drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going
through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in s*x to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in s*x and he is a
doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current
situation in Washington, DC.






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Friday, August 19, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Divorce
-------------------------

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"







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Thursday, August 18, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Managerium
-------------------------



The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.


This element has no protons or electrons, but has a
nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior
vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior
assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.

Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which
time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews
leading to reorganization.

Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange
of tiny particles known as morons.




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Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Strange and Funny Tombstones
-------------------------

Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.

******************************

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

******************************

In a London, England cemetery:


Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

****************************

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

******************************

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:


Here lies Johnny Yeast..
Pardon me
For not rising.

******************************

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

******************************

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:


Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

****************************

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange. .
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

*****************************

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.

*****************************

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.

*****************************

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont

Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

******************************

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God

*****************************

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the
tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went

******************************

Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More






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Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Grandma's TV
-------------------------

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.
When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."




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Monday, August 15, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Presciption
-------------------------

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?'

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'




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Sunday, August 14, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Prison vs. Work
-------------------------

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay
for it.

IN PRISON...You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock and
open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK....You have to share.

IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and
then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars
from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get out
and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK....They are called supervisors.


When I finally left my last place of work, it was just like
being released from prison, as I was free to do whatever
I wanted to.







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Saturday, August 13, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Venus and Mars
-------------------------

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words That every
boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in Touch with my
emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a
man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just Love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was
going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to
take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I
told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new Shoes to compliment her new
clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the
jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me
tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of
a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I
threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey." She was almost
nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted
out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank
as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I
just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with
my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as
a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.






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Friday, August 12, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Auto Mechanic School
-------------------------

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school.

He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade.

"I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly -- and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler."




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Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Lawnmower
-------------------------

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one
at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.
"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.

Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked
and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.
Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's
house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."

"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."

The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"

"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."






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Monday, August 8, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cowboy Boots
-------------------------

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on
a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big
feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody
ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."





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Sunday, August 7, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Confession
-------------------------

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to
celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans
forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is
something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me
that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our
children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have
been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped
for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I
must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the
eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he
did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was
admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear
in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first
as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her
husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."





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Saturday, August 6, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Personal Ads
-------------------------

Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in ''theVillages'' Florida newspapers:

(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)


FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and
belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,
still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.


MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.





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Friday, August 5, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Food Spoilage Guide, A Guide For The Rest Of Us!
-------------------------

Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT
It never spoils.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.




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Thursday, August 4, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Smoking Nun
-------------------------

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."

The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later."

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at a drug store, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them."

The next day the good sister went to the drugs store and walked up to the counter."Good morning, sister," the pharmacist said, "what can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms please," said the nun.

The druggist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, "How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box." "I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week," said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice. "Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size."

The sister thought for a minute and finally said: "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?"




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Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bubba & Cooters Pick Up Lines
-------------------------

Thank you for purchasing
'Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines'
brought to you by Bubba & Cooter. Enjoy!


1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room...

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.


AND.. the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up




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Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Clown
-------------------------

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all
out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party
started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the
bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will
help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear
of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a
wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the
clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would
probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the
children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the
bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from
tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your
friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the
party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50,
WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"






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Monday, August 1, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st August, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st August, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Donation
-------------------------

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to buzz off!!!!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!



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