Thursday, April 30, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Ex-Girlfriend
-------------------------

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"



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Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Need a Different Lawyer?
-------------------------

YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......

* You met him in prison.

* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.

* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

* He tells you that he's never told a lie.

* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

* A prison guard is shaving your head.




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Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Prize Bull
-------------------------

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it very slow."





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Monday, April 27, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sexual Morality
-------------------------

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her
students on sexual morality.

"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself
just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you
make it last an hour?"




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Sunday, April 26, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
You Get What You Ask For
-------------------------

A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH*T."





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Saturday, April 25, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Occupations
-------------------------

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.






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Friday, April 24, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Texas Policing
-------------------------

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."

The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.

"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that lousy assh*le would've tried that sh*t with me!"


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Thursday, April 23, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Wise Veterinarian
-------------------------

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did
some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state
line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced
lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows
like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move
away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from
the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset
and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount
our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves
forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt
from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy
this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they
bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know
we got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from
Illinois."





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Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Bull
-------------------------

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."





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Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
My Mother
-------------------------

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father."

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home."

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?




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Monday, April 20, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Home Remedies
-------------------------

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.




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Sunday, April 19, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dog Pet Peeves About Humans
-------------------------


1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.

3. Yelling at me for barking...
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over
everything while you're gone.
(Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet.
Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters.
Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard.
Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised
when I freak out everytime we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain,
you nitwit.

15. Invisible fences.
Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't
yet solved the visible fence problem!!



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Saturday, April 18, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Scavenger Hunt
-------------------------

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."




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Friday, April 17, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Vasectomy
-------------------------

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a
sex change rather than a vasectomy"

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."






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Thursday, April 16, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blonde's Diet
-------------------------

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a
diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you,
you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"

The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was
going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

"No, from skipping."





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Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
No Excuses
-------------------------

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about
tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not
showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an
immediate family member's death.

One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual
exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the
student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand
to write."





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Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Going to the Doctor
-------------------------

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch
then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,
"Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get
out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm
getting a tetanus shot."





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Monday, April 13, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Chicken and the Egg
-------------------------

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette,
with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed
off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"




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Sunday, April 12, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Southern Farmer
-------------------------

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm
and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer
pa home?" he asked.

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he
went with pa and ma."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one
foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where
all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer
pa."

Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about
your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally
conceded. "I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but
I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."





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Saturday, April 11, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Best Friend
-------------------------

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots
of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for
over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's
going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man
replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles,
and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"




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Friday, April 10, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Inspirational Posters for the Cubicle Era
-------------------------

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by
killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos ... then you probably
haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.




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Thursday, April 9, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Twenty Five Years of Marriage
-------------------------

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.




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Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield
-------------------------

Because he said ...

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache!

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?'
He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.






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Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Newlyweds
-------------------------

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor...
"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband.
"My testicles are turning blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are blue.
The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I
prescribed?"

"Yes, I am," she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape"




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Monday, April 6, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Young Preacher
-------------------------

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold
a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone
with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got
himself lost, making several wrong turns.

He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the
workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in
place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:
"Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"







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Sunday, April 5, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Close Shave
-------------------------

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While
the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the
problems he has getting a close shave around
the cheeks.


"I have just the thing," says the barber taking
a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just
place this between your cheek and gum."


The client places the ball in his mouth and
the barber proceeds with the closest shave the
man has ever experienced. After a few strokes,
the client asks in garbled speech, "And what
if I swallow it?"


"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring
it back tomorrow like everyone else does."






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Saturday, April 4, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Parking Ticket
-------------------------

I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.

So I went up to him and said,

"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!!

So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.

My car was parked around the corner...




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Friday, April 3, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Heaven
-------------------------

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"

"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."

"Well, then, where are you?"

"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."





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Thursday, April 2, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Collar
-------------------------

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was
a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of
many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and
went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said,"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar."





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Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st April, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st April, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Strong Man's Bet
-------------------------

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said.

'I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.

'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. Let's see you do it.'

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he Said,


'All right, Dumb Ass, get in.'









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