Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th September, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th September, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Cruise
-------------------------

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years
suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make
wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.

He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle
of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said,
"I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr.
Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick
pills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, "You know,
since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the
world?"

So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of
seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The
pharmacist finally had to ask.

"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30
years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why
the hell do you do it?"






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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th September, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th September, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Late Night
-------------------------

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."

Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.

"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."

So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"







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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th September, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th September, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Mangled
-------------------------

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,
but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small,
$6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'





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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th September, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th September, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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50 Dollars
-------------------------

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and
every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that
helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that
helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85
years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another
chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50
dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one
word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot

turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get
you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars".





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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th September, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th September, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Adam and Eve
-------------------------

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a
woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and
when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you.

And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children.

And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion
whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"





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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th September, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th September, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Dogs
-------------------------

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


4. A dog's parents never visit.


5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.


7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.


8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get
another dog??


10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.


11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.


12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think
it's interesting..


13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


And last, but not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.





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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th September, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th September, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Getting Married
-------------------------

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."





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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th September, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th September, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Crabs
-------------------------

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female
crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator,
which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would
happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the
intercom to the
entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans ,
please raise your hand?'

Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself. Men never
learn!






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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th September, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th September, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Beer
-------------------------

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.





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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th September, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th September, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Politically Correct
-------------------------

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
"BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" -
She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY
ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a
"LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
"PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY
IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She
gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" -
She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes
"VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY
EXTROVERTED."

11 She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE
HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a
"LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has
developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY
CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" -
He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE
REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers
"GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" -
He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He
has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is
"RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY
FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants-It's
"REAR CLEAVAGE."





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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th September, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th September, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Twenty Dollars
-------------------------

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2
million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut.





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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th September, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th September, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Light Bulbs
-------------------------

Dogs' Views on Changing Light Bulbs

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on the dog's point of view....

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid bulb!

ROTTWEILER: Make me.

LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

POODLE: I'll blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.

DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the sofa.

BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover and..........

POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

And the CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of them. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light in here?







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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th September, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th September, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Growing Old
-------------------------

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am"?

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; your eyes, 16 and your figure, 25."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying, "Whoa, hold on there sweetie! I haven't added them up yet!"



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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd September, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd September, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Book
-------------------------

I'm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity.
"I just can't put it down."

I am reading a book on the paranormal, I didn't buy it it just appeared....

I just *know* someone is going to post about the psychic's book...

I was going to buy "The power of Positive Thought", but what's the point..

I heard about a great book concerning how to deal with apathy but I
couldn't be bothered to go to the store and buy it.

I tried reading a book about natural fertilizers for your garden
but it was full of crap.

I was going to buy a book on curing procrastination but I put of until
tomorrow....or maybe the day after.

I tried to read a book on curing insomnia, but I kept falling asleep.






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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd September, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd September, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Redneck Logic
-------------------------

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"





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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st September, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st September, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Examination Room
-------------------------

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first
doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63
years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"




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