Thursday, June 30, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Transatlantic Flight
-------------------------

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Grief and Suffering
-------------------------

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer


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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Alaskan Birthday Party
-------------------------

Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".


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Monday, June 27, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Summer Olympics
-------------------------

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators at the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

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Sunday, June 26, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bumper Stickers You Might Want
-------------------------

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

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Saturday, June 25, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Camel Questions
-------------------------

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

"Okay," says the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."

"Thanks Mom," replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"

His mother replies impatiently, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert."

"That's great Mom. So we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes, and these humps to store water, but Mom..."

"Yes, son?"

"Do we really need all of these in the zoo?"


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Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Calmness In Our Lives
-------------------------

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple
advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished
off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of
my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos,
and a box of chocolates and the rest of my half-gallon of Blue Bell
Original Vanilla Bean ice-cream.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this
on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.


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Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cold Water
-------------------------

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's
grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However,
John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his
grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned
about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge
that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are
clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those
dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I
don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he
was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let
him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me
get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching
on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

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Monday, June 20, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Medication
-------------------------

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?'

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'


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Saturday, June 18, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Late Night
-------------------------

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."

Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.

"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."

So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"


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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Late Night
-------------------------

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."

Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.

"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."

So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"


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-------------------------

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Friday, June 17, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Good Advice
-------------------------

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.

"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

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-------------------------

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Thursday, June 16, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Church Bulletins
-------------------------

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.


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Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid
-------------------------

*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer
*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
*As smart as bait
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*If he had another brain, it would be lonely
*No grain in the silo
*Proof that evolution can go in reverse
*Receiver is off the hook
*Several nuts short of a full pouch
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down


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Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Apples
-------------------------

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.


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Monday, June 13, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Mercedes Owner
-------------------------

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening
drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was
left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and
blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a
Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The
needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind
him.

"What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop
came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and
the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I
don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for
your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was
afraid you were trying to give her back!"


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Sunday, June 12, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Final Exam
-------------------------

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

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-------------------------

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Saturday, June 11, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Alabama Trailer Park
-------------------------

Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the mill.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "Iff'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."


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-------------------------

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Thursday, June 9, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Funny Windows Messages
-------------------------

1.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play
another game?

6.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now?
(Y/Y)"

7.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world.
Please log off."

8.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

9.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

10.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and
press any key.

11.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

13.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

14.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

15.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL &
PAPER.SYS)

16.User Error: Replace user.

17.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

18.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software
titles have been deleted. The police are on the way


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-------------------------

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Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Symbolize Christmas
-------------------------

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must
each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into
heaven."

he first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set
of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint
Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his
pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St.Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and
asked,"And just what do those Symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

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-------------------------

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Monday, June 6, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
All Night Duty
-------------------------

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the
station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four
hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting
to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the
bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife
sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down
to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me
some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the
dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug
store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say,"
said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman?
Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire
Chief?"

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Sunday, June 5, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Turkey and the Bull
-------------------------

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

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Saturday, June 4, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
My Tax Remittance for 2004
-------------------------

Enclosed is my 2005 Form 1040, together with payment. Please take note
of the attached article from "USA Today" archives. In the article, you will
note that the Pentagon paid $171.50 each for hammers and NASA paid
$600.00 each for toilet seats. Please find enclosed in this package four
toilet seats (value $2,400.00) and six hammers (value $1,029.00). This is
in payment for my total tax due of $3,429.00. Out of a sense of patriotic
duty, and to assist in the political purification of our government, I am also
enclosing a 15 inch Phillips head screw driver, for which HUD duly recorded
and approved a purchase value of $2200, as my contribution to fulfill the
Presidential Election Fund option on Form 1040. It has been a pleasure to
pay my taxes this year and I look forward to paying them again next year
in accordance with officially established government values.

Sincerely, Another satisfied American taxpayer.

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-------------------------

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Thursday, June 2, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Operating Room
-------------------------

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

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-------------------------

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Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st June, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st June, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sarcastic Remarks For Work
-------------------------

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep
yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

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-------------------------

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