Sunday, May 31, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cough
-------------------------

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"




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Saturday, May 30, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Windows
-------------------------



Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument.




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Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Hole
-------------------------

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After
the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had
been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He
couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a
mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only
one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"






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Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Tough Back Nine
-------------------------

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked: "What's wrong?"

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice,
"This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when
she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."

"Oh my God", the other golfers said. "That must have been horrible!"

"Horrible?! You think it`s horrible?" Bob continued still very distressed. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of
the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."






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Monday, May 25, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Clueless
-------------------------


Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't
even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have
to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I
may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States.




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Sunday, May 24, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Evangelical TV
-------------------------

Grandpa and grandma were watching the television
evangelical show and the preacher said, if the
viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one
hand on the television set and the other hand
on the body part where they wanted to be healed.


Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television
set, placed her right hand on the set and her
left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was
causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed
his right hand on the set and his left hand on
his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you
just don't get it. The purpose of doing this
is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."






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Saturday, May 23, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Annual Physical
-------------------------

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.

Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"






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Friday, May 22, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Sparrow
-------------------------

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.




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Thursday, May 21, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Laws of the Natural Universe
-------------------------

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with
grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get
a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat
tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works
every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you
know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is
cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to
the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know
what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.




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Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Preachers Paycheck
-------------------------

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'




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Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
County Road 6
-------------------------

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"

Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.

We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! "

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"




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Monday, May 18, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Teaching Math
-------------------------

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The
cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots
representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of
production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset
of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the
set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80
and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you
think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after
answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80
to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising
his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because
this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 2010:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when
demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut
back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3
weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The
contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 2013:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian
subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid
half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl,
and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted
owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for
exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts
the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of
the lobbying costs?






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Sunday, May 17, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Call in Sick
-------------------------

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work
today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs
hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you
say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."





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Saturday, May 16, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Words of Wisdom
-------------------------

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was
dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her
comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she
refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift
the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount
into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her
lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more.
Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to
the last drop.


"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom
before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a pious
look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".






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Friday, May 15, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Deep Thoughts
-------------------------

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP?

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?




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Thursday, May 14, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marketing Translations
-------------------------

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.




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Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage Phrases
-------------------------

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -Marriage quotes2// Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.




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Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Two Wishes
-------------------------

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40
please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll
have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the
same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a
steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the
ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be
$12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there."

"That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with long legs who agrees with everything I say."





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Monday, May 11, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Time Off
-------------------------

Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some time off from
work." said the man.

"How do you think you will do that?" said the other one. He proceeded to
show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him
what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down
and walked out of the factory. The second worker began walking out too.
The boss asked her where did she think she was going?

"Home. I can't work in the dark."





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Sunday, May 10, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
90-Year Old Man
-------------------------

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

The doctor said, "My point exactly".



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Saturday, May 9, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
What is it Called?
-------------------------

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been
playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the
house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when 2 people are sleeping
in the same room and one is on top of the other?"


She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's
called sexual intercourse, darling."


Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to the other
kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is
not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wants
to talk to you right now."





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Friday, May 8, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Paintings
-------------------------

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her
paintings that were on display.

"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news
is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate
in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of
your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."





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Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dilbert's Salary Theorem
-------------------------

Dilbert's Salary Theorem states that Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since: Knowledge = Power,
then Knowledge = Work/Time,
and Time = Money,
then Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make. Bummer.




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Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Baptism
-------------------------


A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the
river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the
Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you
ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back
up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and
says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this
time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man,
have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher... "Are you sure this is
where he fell in?"






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Monday, May 4, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marylou
-------------------------

A woman came up behind her husband while he was
enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the
back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your
pant pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it,"
she said, furious. "You had better have an
explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last
week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of
the dog I bet on."

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked
him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night."





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Sunday, May 3, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Childhood Sweethearts
-------------------------

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down
in their old neighborhood.

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old
school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he
had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car
practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what
to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its
fifty-thousand dollars.

The husband says: "We've got to give it back".

She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up
in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood
looking for the money show up at their home.

One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any
money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

She says: "No"..

The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school
yesterday ..."

At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."






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Saturday, May 2, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Math
-------------------------

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.




LONGEVITY STATISTICS

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



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Friday, May 1, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st May, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
leather bodice
-------------------------

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.
After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.

The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."

The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."

The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"




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