Monday, November 30, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Older Guys Aren't so Dumb
-------------------------

An older, white haired man walked into a Jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000." the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend....."

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Sunday, November 29, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dumb Kid
-------------------------

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

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Saturday, November 28, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
My New Parrot
-------------------------

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could
think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and
put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,

I quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said


"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and
I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic
change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"


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Thursday, November 26, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Why did the Chicken Crossed the Road?
-------------------------

TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking it's physical distribution strategy and implementation process. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use it's skills, methodologies
, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of it's overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve theimplicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution
paradigm.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we werequite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES (Monty Python style): And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, ...and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road for you to believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken DID NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was the chicken doing wandering around all over the place anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2010 (with integrated Internet Seed Explorer), which will not only cross roads, butwill lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who is crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking the question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road...it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain

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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Complaining Wife
-------------------------

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home.

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

Joel, she said, I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath.

Don't worry. replied her husband. If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains.


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Monday, November 23, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Bear
-------------------------

Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.

Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"


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-------------------------

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Sunday, November 22, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Economy is so Bad...
-------------------------

... That I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

... I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind
the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

... That CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

... If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient
Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

... Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher
than GM.

... McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

... Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and
learned their children's names.

... A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into
Mexico .

.. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

... Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

... The Mafia is laying off judges.

... Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!!
The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people
who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!


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-------------------------

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Friday, November 20, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cutting Wood
-------------------------

Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a surgeon.

The surgeon
said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected. John is down at the local pub."
Sam went to the pub and was amazed to see John throwing darts. "Wow" thought Sam, "that surgeon does excellent work"

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John accidentally cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it, and John, back to the same surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher, but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field."
Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals. "Wow" thought Sam "That surgeon is amazing"

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours."

So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died."

Sam said, "I understand - I know you tried your best. You are a very skilled surgeon but I'm sure heads are very tough."

The surgeon said, "Oh, no! It wasn't that, John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

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-------------------------

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Thursday, November 19, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Damn Parking Enforcement.
-------------------------

I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.

So I went up to him and said,

"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!!

So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.

My car was parked around the corner...

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-------------------------

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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Yearly Exam
-------------------------

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'135,' I say.

The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?'

'5 feet 4",' I say.

The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2".

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.


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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Spoon
-------------------------

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"

"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation
. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed.

"Thanks. I had to ask."

"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.

As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin,
black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"

"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."

"How's that?"

"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"

"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."

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-------------------------

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Monday, November 16, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Three Priests
-------------------------

Three priests passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Sanctuary. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a Sanctuary. Every time they passed in front of that building, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, "whitey, whitey, tighty."

One of the priests noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. He mentioned his discovery to the other two priests, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "blacky, blacky, tighty."

Hearing that, the three priests were astonished! One of the priests spoke up, "Gentlemen, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."

Saying that, He recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their garments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.
They looked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on the branch he was perched on. Then, after a while, the Parrot said, "Straight, Straight, Gay!"


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-------------------------

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Sunday, November 15, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Two Pilots
-------------------------

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'


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Saturday, November 14, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Tenjewberrymuds
-------------------------

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor
sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."

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Friday, November 13, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
5 Riddles
-------------------------

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three
rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of
assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that
haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for
over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly
you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary
and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact,
nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and
think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you
work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

Answers:

1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English
language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

How did you do?


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Thursday, November 12, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lobsters
-------------------------

One evening a blonde went to seafood restaurant for dinner. When she saw the tank where they kept the lobsters
she asked a waiter, "Why are those creatures in that tank?"

"They are the lobsters we serve our customers!" answered the waiter.

"You mean you're going to kill them," said the blonde.

"Absolutely," said the waiter.

The blonde was so upset that she immediately left, drove to a nearby convenience store, purchased some hefty bags
and returned to the restaurant to accomplish her covert mission.

Taking pity on the poor creatures, she waited until the moment was right, and snatched all of the lobsters from the tank, threw them in the bag, and hightailed it out of the restaurant.

Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free

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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Great Comments from Dull Minds
-------------------------

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-- David Dinkins, former New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his being drafted by the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland

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Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
How Often Men Have Sex..
-------------------------

A famous sexologist was giving a lecture in front of a big crowd.

"There are 4 kinds of men when it comes to sex. The first kind does it every day. You can usually recognize him by his masculine body and the constant smile on his face. Do we have anyone like this in the audience?"

A man got up from the audience and he fitted the description: Big firm body with a smile on his face.

"Then there is the second kind. They have sex once a week. They also have a generally happy mood, and look pretty good, but of course not as good as the first kind. Is there any one of them here tonight?".

A second man got up, and he too fitted the description.

"The third kind do it once a month. They are chubby and usually grumpy. Anyone of them here?".

The man that raised from his chair looked exactly like the expert claimed.

"And then there is the 4th kind. They do it once a year. They usually have a big belly, but the thing that is most typical is that they are in a constant state of depression. I know it would be hard for him to admit, but if there is one of those in the audience, please rise".

A fat and short man stood up, but in contrary to the experts prediction, he looked very cheerful.

"You do it only once a year?", the expert asked.

"Yes, only once a year".

"So why are you so happy?", demanded the expert.

"Well", said the man, cheeringly, "Tonight is the night!"...

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Monday, November 9, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Understanding Women
-------------------------


(A Man's Perspective)

I know I'm not going to understand women..

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


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Sunday, November 8, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Women's Revenge
-------------------------


'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..'


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Friday, November 6, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Italian Nuns
-------------------------

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"

And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asked.

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."


If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!

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Thursday, November 5, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Job Interview
-------------------------

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. And now you sir?

He asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant." Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I'd crapped in my pants!"

He got the job.


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Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ten Commandments Sermon
-------------------------

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Rather than purchasing a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on the Ten Commandments.

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously and said, "I want to thank you for saving my soul today, preacher. I came to church to steal a hat, but after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided against it."

"You mean the Commandment, Thou shall not steal, changed your mind?" the preacher asked.

"No, the one about adultery did," the old man said. "As soon as you said that, I remembered where I left my old hat."

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Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
First Football Game
-------------------------

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!


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Monday, November 2, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Good Investment
-------------------------

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:

"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

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Sunday, November 1, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Bar in Tokyo
-------------------------

The exhausted businessman stopped in a Tokyo bar for a drink. "Speak English?"
he asked the bartender.

"Yes, sir."

"Great. I'd like a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender looked at him for a moment, then leaned over the bar.

"OK, once upon a time there were four little pigs..."

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