JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th July, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Ex-Girlfriend
-------------------------
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
-------------------------
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Wednesday, July 29, 2020
Tuesday, July 28, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th July, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th July, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Bricks
-------------------------
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open
window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave
them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.
If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in
engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping. Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been
moved. Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved,
congratulate them and put them in Executive Management.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Bricks
-------------------------
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open
window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave
them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.
If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in
engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping. Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been
moved. Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved,
congratulate them and put them in Executive Management.
-------------------------
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Sunday, July 26, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th July, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th July, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Biological Scientist
-------------------------
At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked
to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers
for experiments in our lab?"
"Really?" replied the other researcher. "Why the switch?"
"There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained.
"First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them. Second, lawyers
breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights
groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things
even a rat won't do."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Biological Scientist
-------------------------
At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked
to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers
for experiments in our lab?"
"Really?" replied the other researcher. "Why the switch?"
"There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained.
"First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them. Second, lawyers
breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights
groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things
even a rat won't do."
-------------------------
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Saturday, July 25, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th July, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th July, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Lars
-------------------------
Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Lars
-------------------------
Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".
-------------------------
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Friday, July 24, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th July, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th July, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend is Going to Dump You...
-------------------------
10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.
9. She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't recall proposing to her.
8. She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.
7. She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer.
6. Her love letters come soaked in formaldehyde rather than perfume.
5. Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like you to meet an old friend of mine..."
4. She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names.
3. Your other girlfriend told you so.
2. The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.
1. Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, "You haven't got a clue, do you?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend is Going to Dump You...
-------------------------
10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.
9. She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't recall proposing to her.
8. She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.
7. She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer.
6. Her love letters come soaked in formaldehyde rather than perfume.
5. Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like you to meet an old friend of mine..."
4. She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names.
3. Your other girlfriend told you so.
2. The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.
1. Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, "You haven't got a clue, do you?"
-------------------------
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Thursday, July 23, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd July, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd July, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Corn flakes
-------------------------
There are two brothers, aged four and six.
The six year old says "You know, it's about time we started to swear."
The four year old says "OK."
The six year old says "From now on I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'"
The four year old says "OK."
So they go downstairs and their mother says "What would you boys like for breakfast?"
The six year old says "Oh what the hell, I'll have corn flakes."
WHACK!
The kid goes flying across the room.
The mother turns to the four year old and asks "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
The four year old says "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it's not corn flakes."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Corn flakes
-------------------------
There are two brothers, aged four and six.
The six year old says "You know, it's about time we started to swear."
The four year old says "OK."
The six year old says "From now on I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'"
The four year old says "OK."
So they go downstairs and their mother says "What would you boys like for breakfast?"
The six year old says "Oh what the hell, I'll have corn flakes."
WHACK!
The kid goes flying across the room.
The mother turns to the four year old and asks "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
The four year old says "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it's not corn flakes."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, July 21, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st July, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st July, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Tribal Wisdom
-------------------------
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead
horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's
performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more
to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course...
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Tribal Wisdom
-------------------------
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead
horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's
performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more
to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course...
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position
-------------------------
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Monday, July 20, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th July, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th July, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Architect, Artist and the Engineer
-------------------------
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Architect, Artist and the Engineer
-------------------------
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
-------------------------
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Sunday, July 19, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th July, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th July, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Barbecue
-------------------------
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man
looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting
really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the
barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill
and then went over to where his wife was working and
measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches
wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to
ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He
makes some advances towards his wife who completely
brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass
grill for one little weenie?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Barbecue
-------------------------
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man
looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting
really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the
barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill
and then went over to where his wife was working and
measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches
wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to
ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He
makes some advances towards his wife who completely
brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass
grill for one little weenie?"
-------------------------
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Saturday, July 18, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th July, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th July, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Indecent Exposure
-------------------------
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy
coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots,
so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around
like this?"
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the bar down the
road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with
her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off
my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my
pants so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my
shorts ...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to
town cowboy... '.
"And here I am."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Indecent Exposure
-------------------------
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy
coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots,
so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around
like this?"
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the bar down the
road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with
her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off
my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my
pants so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my
shorts ...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to
town cowboy... '.
"And here I am."
-------------------------
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Friday, July 17, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th July, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th July, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Bad Behavior
-------------------------
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Bad Behavior
-------------------------
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
-------------------------
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Thursday, July 16, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th July, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th July, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Southern Phrases
-------------------------
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"
"She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."
"Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."
"He's as country as corn flakes."
"This is gooder'n grits."
"Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to
help me enjoy it."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Southern Phrases
-------------------------
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"
"She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."
"Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."
"He's as country as corn flakes."
"This is gooder'n grits."
"Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to
help me enjoy it."
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Wednesday, July 15, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th July, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th July, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Easy Computer Fix
-------------------------
I received this from a CEO that I worked with a few years back. He doesn't want to admit it but I think this is his true experience.
I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him
to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little sh*t
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Easy Computer Fix
-------------------------
I received this from a CEO that I worked with a few years back. He doesn't want to admit it but I think this is his true experience.
I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him
to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little sh*t
-------------------------
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Tuesday, July 14, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th July, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th July, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Satan
-------------------------
A few minutes before the church services started, the
congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the back
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to
get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was
empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly
in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know
who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked
Satan.
Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man,
in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying
agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't
you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for
48 years.'
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Satan
-------------------------
A few minutes before the church services started, the
congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the back
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to
get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was
empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly
in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know
who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked
Satan.
Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man,
in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying
agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't
you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for
48 years.'
-------------------------
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Saturday, July 11, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th July, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th July, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Top 16 Country Songs
-------------------------
16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14 If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the Number one Country Western song is. . . .
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Top 16 Country Songs
-------------------------
16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14 If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the Number one Country Western song is. . . .
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
-------------------------
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Friday, July 10, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th July, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th July, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Women are Evil
-------------------------
A husband and wife were sitting around one day drinking a bottle of
wine. The husband turns to his wife and says, "I bet you can't tell me
something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
After thinking about it a few minutes the wife looks at her husband and
says, "Your pecker is bigger than your brothers!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Women are Evil
-------------------------
A husband and wife were sitting around one day drinking a bottle of
wine. The husband turns to his wife and says, "I bet you can't tell me
something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
After thinking about it a few minutes the wife looks at her husband and
says, "Your pecker is bigger than your brothers!"
-------------------------
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Thursday, July 9, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th July, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th July, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Recession is Having an Impact on Everyone
-------------------------
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Recession is Having an Impact on Everyone
-------------------------
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
-------------------------
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Wednesday, July 8, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th July, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th July, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Murder Trial
-------------------------
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
The defendant replies, "It was easier than having to shoot a different man everyday!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Murder Trial
-------------------------
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
The defendant replies, "It was easier than having to shoot a different man everyday!"
-------------------------
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Tuesday, July 7, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th July, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th July, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Candy Coins
-------------------------
One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy
and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for
me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil-
covered chocolate candy coins).
There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and
me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking
the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.
The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to
pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed
that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch
him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's
this?"
The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son."
To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"
With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are
NOT for children, young man."
And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He
likes the LITTLE ones!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Candy Coins
-------------------------
One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy
and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for
me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil-
covered chocolate candy coins).
There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and
me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking
the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.
The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to
pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed
that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch
him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's
this?"
The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son."
To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"
With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are
NOT for children, young man."
And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He
likes the LITTLE ones!"
-------------------------
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