Monday, August 31, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Brown Trout
-------------------------

After a day fishing on Lake Michigan, a fisherman is walking
from the pier carrying two brown trout in a bucket. He is
approached by a Conservation Officer who asks him for his
fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I was not fishing and I
did not catch these browns, they are my pets. Every day I
come down to the water and dump these fish into the water
and take them for a walk to the end of the pier and back.
When I'm ready to go I whistle and they jump back into the
bucket and we go home. The officer not believing him,
reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.


The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't
believe me then watch," as he throws the trout back into the
water.


The warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that
they will jump out of the water and into the bucket."


The fisherman turns to the officer and says, "What fish?"






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Sunday, August 30, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
AWOL
-------------------------

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about
3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop.
The officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on
this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain.

Just then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the
bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom
handle, giving the bird a toss.

The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle.
The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same
result.

He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the
chain once or twice before the silly bird came back.

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his
wayward sailor.

"What on earth have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner
than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?"
barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't
sweep a link!"






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Saturday, August 29, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Rigorous Exercise for Over 60
-------------------------

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room
at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to
reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold
this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb
potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb
potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full
minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.




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Friday, August 28, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Rules for Work
-------------------------



1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00
and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even
better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where
you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function
as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good
training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of
my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life
beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am
plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions
will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager's
hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and
it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially
like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus
check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating
with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money
anyway.






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Thursday, August 20, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sports Quotes
-------------------------

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:

I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."



2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."



3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:

"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"

Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."



4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:

"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."



5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."



6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."

(Now that is beautiful)



7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:

"You guys line up alphabetically by height.."

And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a
circle."



8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
three years,

not Princeton .."



9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker:

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
clothes."



10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of
heavyweight Andrew Golota:

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of
what time it is."



11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an
uncle or an aunt.



12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'

He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"



13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D:

"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."



14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:

"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."



15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he
takes his wife on all the road trips....

Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."








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Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Why did the Chicken Crossed the Road?
-------------------------

TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking it's physical distribution strategy and implementation process. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use it's skills, methodologies
, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of it's overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve theimplicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution
paradigm.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we werequite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES (Monty Python style): And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, ...and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road for you to believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken DID NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was the chicken doing wandering around all over the place anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2010 (with integrated Internet Seed Explorer), which will not only cross roads, butwill lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who is crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking the question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road...it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain





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Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Honest
-------------------------

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."




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Sunday, August 16, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Annual Senior Citizen Test
-------------------------

It's that time of year to take our annual senior
citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important
as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's
important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use
it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge
your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're
losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't
see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your
mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up
now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"

What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next
question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content
yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto
World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why
the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to
Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided
into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the
flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining
engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally
crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between
East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East
Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you
said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In
Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four
get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea
, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen,
six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your friends and
pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!




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Saturday, August 15, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Love Handles
-------------------------

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate
trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on
shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold
a genie popped out.

"Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released me,
I will grant you one wish."

"Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television alot for a while,
and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love
handles."

"Your wish is my command," said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff of
smoke...

And her ears promptly fell off.






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Friday, August 14, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gastroenterologist Comments
-------------------------

A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients
made while he was performing colonoscopies:

"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

"Can you hear me NOW?"

"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not,
in fact, up there?"

"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.. You do the
Hokey Pokey...."

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"If your hand doesn't fit, you musta quit!"

"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"





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Thursday, August 13, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Doctors Lecture
-------------------------

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating
it?"


After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the
front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."






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Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Personal Ads
-------------------------

Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered

SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo.
$800/month plus 1/2 utilities. Must enjoy garlic, taxidermy & clock repair.

SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52, for immediate marriage.
Willing to beg. Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-I'm-4you.

SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and testosterone.
Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theories
and help stock secluded mountain shelter. Don't bother to write, I already know where you live.

SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Age
music, Communing with Gaian nature spirits, and Jello sculpting.
Seeks aloof, analytic whimp.

SWM: 59, wide range of interests including: Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest.
ISO compatible F.

SM: Seeking an adventurous SF Interested in underwater bondage with or
w/o scuba gear And albino livestock breeding. No weirdos please.

SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler Wishes to meet woman
of similar interests Must be ambidextrous.

DWF: Crazy ppl Need Love Too. If you enjoy destroying good furniture, Police lineups and locking your
friends in closets, We already have three things in common !
Let's get together.

DM: Physician, 35 Desires to meet that special woman with real inner
beauty. Send latest X-rays.

DWM: Compulsive Liar Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar
Riviera chateau. Visa Gold Card a must. Private plane a plus.

SWM: 32, my life's work is verifying, in detail, all the episodes shown
on"The X-Files". ISO SWF with like dedication. Must be willing to travel a lot




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Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Trouble With Email
-------------------------

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the
screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.




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Monday, August 10, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage Phrases
-------------------------

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -Marriage quotes2// Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.




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Sunday, August 9, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
True Doctor Stories
-------------------------

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I
told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of
the family that the had died of a "massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the
visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart
and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read
the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read.
Now both," I requested . There was silence. He couldn't even
read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had
done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes
covered I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment
with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he
was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put
it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I
wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete
confusion she answered Why, not for about twenty years -- when
my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So,
how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the
Kentucky Jelly I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I
then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
"KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And Finally . . . A new, young MD doing his
residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his
embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The
middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work
and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish
I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."




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Saturday, August 8, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Parachuting
-------------------------

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all
done for him:

"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"

"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass
when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on
the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".




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Friday, August 7, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Time Tested
-------------------------

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ...
Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which,
if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~ Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink ...
and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth
or the fourteenth.
~George Burns

The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal






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Thursday, August 6, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Heart Attack
-------------------------

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.





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Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Scientific Fact
-------------------------


Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the
frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses
and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed
ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese......





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Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Classy Insults
-------------------------

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder





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Monday, August 3, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Trivial Pursuit
-------------------------

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"





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Sunday, August 2, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd August, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd August, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Turkey
-------------------------

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.




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