Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Newspaper Headlines
-------------------------

* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

* Eye Drops off Shelf

* Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

* Stolen Painting Found by Tree

* Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

* Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

* Drunken Drivers Paid $1000

* If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

* Deer Kill 17,000

* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

* Air Head Fired

* Steals Clock, Faces Time

* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff

* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

* Include your Children when Baking Cookies

* Marv Albert Gets Pink Slip

* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing


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Monday, January 30, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Weighing a Pig
-------------------------

A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm
to buy one. He agrees on a per pound price with the farmer and then
begins to select a pig. "How about that one?"

"OK," replies the farmer. The farmer then picks up the pig, puts it`s
tail in his mouth, lets it hang from his mouth and then declares, "This
one weighs 74 pounds."

"That`s amazing," the man says, "Are you sure you can tell a pigs` weight
by using that method?"

"Yep, says the farmer, we`ve used this method in our family for
generations." To prove his accuracy, the farmer puts the pig on a scale
and it weighs exactly 74 pounds.

"My son can do it, too," boasts the farmer. Sure enough, the farmer's son
comes over, puts another pigs` tail in his mouth, lets it hang and then
says, "This one weighs 83 pounds." The farmer then confirms his sons`
accuracy with the scale.

"My wife can do it, too," says the farmer. "Son, go get your mother."

The boy runs off to the house and returns a few minutes later. "Mom can`t
come out right now," says the son. "She`s busy weighing the mailman."

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Sunday, January 29, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Deep Thoughts
-------------------------

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP?

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?


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Saturday, January 28, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sex Problems
-------------------------

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"And how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere. "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

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Thursday, January 26, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Looking Old
-------------------------

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And
Thinking,

"surely I Can't Look That Old." Well... You'll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My
First Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore
His Full Name.

Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same
Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago. Could He Be The
Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then? Upon Seeing Him,
However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.

This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too
Old To have Been My Classmate. After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He
Had Attended Morgan Park High School

"yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang," He Gleamed With Pride.

"when Did You Graduate?" I Asked.

He Answered, "in 1959. Why Do You Ask?"

"you Were In My Class!", I Exclaimed.

He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald Wrinkled, Fat,
Gray, Decrepit Son-of-a-bitch Asked, "what Did You Teach?"


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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Chapped Lips
-------------------------

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After
dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where
the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the
whole thing.

"Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."


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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Notice to All EMS Personnel
-------------------------

From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS
narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective
immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations
to describe patients, such as the following.

a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH
(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA
(had it before, got it again).
b.. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use
CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go
boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly,
descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative
vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not
considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
g.. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal
intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws
up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling
the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our
patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives
and log entries.


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Monday, January 23, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
White Zinfandel
-------------------------

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.


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Sunday, January 22, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dead Horse Theory
-------------------------

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead
horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's
performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more
to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course...


13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position


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Saturday, January 21, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Growing Old
-------------------------

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.

Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"


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Friday, January 20, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Butt Measurement
-------------------------

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man
looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting
really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the
barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill
and then went over to where his wife was working and
measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches
wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to
ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He
makes some advances towards his wife who completely
brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass
grill for one little weenie?"

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Thursday, January 19, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dad, What is sex?
-------------------------

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy,
what is sex?" The father is somewhat
surprised that she would ask such a
question. But, he reckons if she's old
enough to ask the question, then surely
she's old enough for a straight answer.
So, the father proceeds to tell his young
daughter all about the "birds and the bees."

After a brief explanation, the little girl
appears wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way,
dear, why do you ask?" the father asks.

The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell
you that dinner would be ready in just a
couple of secs."


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Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Learn to Speak Southern...
-------------------------

Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...

Hah Tu Spek Suthun:

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"


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Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage Counseling
-------------------------

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each
and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling
unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the
course of their quarter century of marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist
stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her
and kissed her passionately on the mouth.

The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down;. The therapist turned to
the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a
week. Do you think you can do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."


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Monday, January 16, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Fisherman
-------------------------

There was this fisherman that always had a good day fishing.
His friend, the game warden, couldn't figure out how he did
it, so one day the game warden decided to go fishing with
his friend. The fisherman took his friend the warden out
to his favorite spot. Once there, the fisherman took a
stick of dynamite out of his backpack, lit it, and threw
it into the water. The dynamite exploded and a dozen fish
floated to the top.

The game warden said, "That's illegal, you can't do that."

The fisherman goes, "Really?" He then lights another stick of dynamite and throws it into the water.
The dynamite exploded, and a dozen more fish floated to the
top.

The game warden said, "Stop that now, and take this
boat back to shore...I'm going to have to give you a citation
and confiscate all your gear."

The fisherman said,"Oh, really?"

He then lights another stick of dynamite, throws it into
the game warden's lap, and said "You gonna sit there and
keep flapping your trap, or are you gonna fish?"

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Sunday, January 15, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Canadian Tourism Website
-------------------------

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism
website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.

Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only six thousand km, take lots of water. . .

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)!
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places
to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a
list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary.
Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays
every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight
after the hippo races.
Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be
safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.


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Saturday, January 14, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Heart Attack
-------------------------

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing
God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days
To live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more
time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her
Last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the
street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that
ambulance?"

God replied, "Girl, I didn't even recognize you."

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Friday, January 13, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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-------------------------
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Thursday, January 12, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Thanksgiving
-------------------------

You might be a redneck if ....

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on
the side.

If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Golf and the Physiotherapist
-------------------------

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her
ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground clutching
his hands together in his groin, and rolled around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize "Please allow me
to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if
you'll allow me" she told him.

"Oh no I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied,
still lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at
his groin.

Following her persistence however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides, she loosened
his trousers and put her hand inside.

She administered tender and skillful massage for several long moments and
then asked "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels fabulous, but my thumb still hurts like hell"


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Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Cure
-------------------------

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first
doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63
years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"


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Monday, January 9, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Poison
-------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"


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Sunday, January 8, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Parrot
-------------------------

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange,blue,and yellow. The old man Just stared.

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.


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Saturday, January 7, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lights Out
-------------------------

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked
into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with
music and dancing but every once in a while the lights
would turn off. Each time after the lights would go
out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when
the revelers saw the nun, the roomwent dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked," May I
please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you
should."

"Why not? " the nun asked.

"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and
his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "


"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other
way."

So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of
the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a
few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place
was hopping with music and dancing again. However,
they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud
round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't
understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I
went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the
bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.


"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig
leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the
whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister

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Friday, January 6, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Golf
-------------------------

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to
make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might
affect our relationship.

"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.

"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out
on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get.
If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always
win."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your
honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've
concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The
truth is, "I'm a hooker."

"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and
overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."


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Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Marine Way
-------------------------

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she ask quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose, and that I was just about to make my selection for this flight."

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Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Smarter Than Her
-------------------------

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

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Monday, January 2, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blonde Christmas Story
-------------------------

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a
Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry
wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the
next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"


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Sunday, January 1, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st January, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st January, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Deep Thoughts
-------------------------

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP?

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?


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