JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
First Date
-------------------------
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the
front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he
says.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to
the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and
screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he
asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw;
she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for
the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out
the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house,
slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DARN
IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"
-------------------------
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Saturday, February 28, 2015
Friday, February 27, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Jury Duty
-------------------------
As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.
During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.
"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."
Both were excused.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Jury Duty
-------------------------
As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.
During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.
"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."
Both were excused.
-------------------------
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Thursday, February 26, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Your Drink
-------------------------
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Your Drink
-------------------------
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.
-------------------------
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Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Bear in the Woods
-------------------------
Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.
The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.
A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.
Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.
"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar."
"QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.
"O.K.," said the other, "it was the male."
The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.
"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked.
"Well," said the ranger...
"I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"
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-------------------------
Bear in the Woods
-------------------------
Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.
The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.
A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.
Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.
"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar."
"QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.
"O.K.," said the other, "it was the male."
The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.
"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked.
"Well," said the ranger...
"I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"
-------------------------
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Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Fired
-------------------------
When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of
human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I
think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that
next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It
read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he
left us, we were very satisfied."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Fired
-------------------------
When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of
human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I
think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that
next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It
read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he
left us, we were very satisfied."
-------------------------
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Monday, February 23, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Truth?
-------------------------
After eight days of backpacking with my wife,
we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning
she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her
shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.
"Darling," she said, "does my hair make me
look like a water buffalo?"
I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you
the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Truth?
-------------------------
After eight days of backpacking with my wife,
we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning
she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her
shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.
"Darling," she said, "does my hair make me
look like a water buffalo?"
I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you
the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
-------------------------
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Sunday, February 22, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Alaska
-------------------------
Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Alaska
-------------------------
Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".
-------------------------
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Saturday, February 21, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Divorce Court
-------------------------
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...
"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Divorce Court
-------------------------
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...
"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
-------------------------
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Friday, February 20, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Cowboy Logic
-------------------------
A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were
presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the
coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using
the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator,
the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the
males castrated and let loose again and the population would be
controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep
Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat
back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those
coyotes ain't f*ckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Cowboy Logic
-------------------------
A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were
presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the
coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using
the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator,
the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the
males castrated and let loose again and the population would be
controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep
Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat
back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those
coyotes ain't f*ckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."
-------------------------
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Thursday, February 19, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Fire
-------------------------
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Fire
-------------------------
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
-------------------------
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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Fire
-------------------------
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Fire
-------------------------
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
-------------------------
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Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Singles Club Meeting
-------------------------
They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time
that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for
dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They
had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant
in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,
Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared,
each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been
gentler."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken
off my pantyhose.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Singles Club Meeting
-------------------------
They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time
that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for
dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They
had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant
in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,
Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared,
each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been
gentler."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken
off my pantyhose.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Murphy's Technology Laws
-------------------------
You can never tell which way the train went by looking
at the track.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong
conclusion with confidence.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn
fool discovers something which either abolishes the
system or expands it beyond recognition.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they
do not understand.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote
programs, then the first woodpecker that came along
would destroy civilization.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely
with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as it
electrical cord.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and
less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe
and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint
on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
All's well that ends.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and
the hours are lost.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final
inspection.
New systems generate new problems.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a
computer.
We don't know one millionth of one percent about
anything.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable
from magic.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20
men working 20 years make.
The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a
crashed state.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting
in an honest day's work.
Some people manage by the book, even though they don't
know who wrote the book or even what book.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make
things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for
the serviceman.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will
take the longest and cost the most.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said
than done.
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is
obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts
which are still under development.
A complex system that works is invariably found to have
evolved from a simple system that works.
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try
multiplying by the page number.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more
unreliable. Any system which depends on human
reliability is unreliable.
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that
might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of
pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other
variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds
that the competition already has the order.
In designing any type of construction, no overall dimen-
sion can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The
correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on
Monday.
Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it
itches.
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving
door.
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one
to go wrong.
Everything that goes up must come down.
Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least
accessible corner.
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated
way.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool
will want to use it.
The degree of technical competence is inversely
proportional to the level of management.
Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Murphy's Technology Laws
-------------------------
You can never tell which way the train went by looking
at the track.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong
conclusion with confidence.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn
fool discovers something which either abolishes the
system or expands it beyond recognition.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they
do not understand.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote
programs, then the first woodpecker that came along
would destroy civilization.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely
with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as it
electrical cord.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and
less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe
and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint
on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
All's well that ends.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and
the hours are lost.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final
inspection.
New systems generate new problems.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a
computer.
We don't know one millionth of one percent about
anything.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable
from magic.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20
men working 20 years make.
The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a
crashed state.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting
in an honest day's work.
Some people manage by the book, even though they don't
know who wrote the book or even what book.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make
things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for
the serviceman.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will
take the longest and cost the most.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said
than done.
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is
obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts
which are still under development.
A complex system that works is invariably found to have
evolved from a simple system that works.
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try
multiplying by the page number.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more
unreliable. Any system which depends on human
reliability is unreliable.
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that
might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of
pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other
variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds
that the competition already has the order.
In designing any type of construction, no overall dimen-
sion can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The
correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on
Monday.
Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it
itches.
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving
door.
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one
to go wrong.
Everything that goes up must come down.
Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least
accessible corner.
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated
way.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool
will want to use it.
The degree of technical competence is inversely
proportional to the level of management.
Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.
-------------------------
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Monday, February 16, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Swimmer
-------------------------
Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion.
The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party.
During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash.
The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking.
Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Swimmer
-------------------------
Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion.
The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party.
During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash.
The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking.
Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
-------------------------
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Sunday, February 15, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Bus Stop
-------------------------
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses
were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to
the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt
fell asleep!'.
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Bus Stop
-------------------------
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses
were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to
the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt
fell asleep!'.
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
-------------------------
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Saturday, February 14, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Painting
-------------------------
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Painting
-------------------------
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
-------------------------
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Friday, February 13, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
ID ten T error
-------------------------
I received this from a CEO that I worked with a few years back. He doesn't want to admit it but I think this is his true experience.
I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him
to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little sh*t
-------------------------
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-------------------------
ID ten T error
-------------------------
I received this from a CEO that I worked with a few years back. He doesn't want to admit it but I think this is his true experience.
I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him
to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little sh*t
-------------------------
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Thursday, February 12, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Tied Rope
-------------------------
Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she was mad at the world. She had locked herself in the bathroom and was threatening suicide.
I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!"
She said, "I damn well do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways."
For some reason I actually believed her and pushed through the door, and saw she had a rope tied to around her ankles.
I asked "Are you really trying to hang yourself?"
"Yeah, so what?"
"Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks"
"Yeah, well, I tried that, but then I couldn't breathe."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Tied Rope
-------------------------
Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she was mad at the world. She had locked herself in the bathroom and was threatening suicide.
I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!"
She said, "I damn well do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways."
For some reason I actually believed her and pushed through the door, and saw she had a rope tied to around her ankles.
I asked "Are you really trying to hang yourself?"
"Yeah, so what?"
"Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks"
"Yeah, well, I tried that, but then I couldn't breathe."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Library
-------------------------
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology,
and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Library
-------------------------
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology,
and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
-------------------------
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Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
An Affair
-------------------------
An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to
the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11
grandchildren. Last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18
year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest replied, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in
confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
The priest paused, and then asked, "So then, why are you telling me?"
"Hey, I'm telling everybody."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
An Affair
-------------------------
An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to
the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11
grandchildren. Last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18
year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest replied, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in
confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
The priest paused, and then asked, "So then, why are you telling me?"
"Hey, I'm telling everybody."
-------------------------
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Monday, February 9, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Dumb Kid
-------------------------
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Dumb Kid
-------------------------
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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Saturday, February 7, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
K-9
-------------------------
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once a nd
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
-------------------------
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-------------------------
K-9
-------------------------
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once a nd
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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Friday, February 6, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
What causes arthritis?
-------------------------
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was
sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper
and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned
to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked
women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
What causes arthritis?
-------------------------
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was
sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper
and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned
to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked
women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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Thursday, February 5, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Company Policy
-------------------------
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a
raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a
raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare
cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense,
your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the
"Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input
should be directed elsewhere.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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-------------------------
Company Policy
-------------------------
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a
raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a
raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare
cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense,
your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the
"Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input
should be directed elsewhere.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Hotel Correspondence
-------------------------
Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London
hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved
submitted this to the Sunday Times.
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING
******************************************************
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as
you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put
on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I
am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please
remove them.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we
are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your
way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I
put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside
the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object
to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me
know if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid,
Dotty
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars
of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to
call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The
situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for
the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars
of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I
have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then
you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I
personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything
about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know
I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily
Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size
Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your
room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside medicine
cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - On
northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window
sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized
Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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________________________________________________
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-------------------------
Hotel Correspondence
-------------------------
Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London
hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved
submitted this to the Sunday Times.
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING
******************************************************
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as
you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put
on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I
am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please
remove them.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we
are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your
way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I
put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside
the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object
to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me
know if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid,
Dotty
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars
of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to
call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The
situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for
the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars
of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I
have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then
you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I
personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything
about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know
I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily
Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size
Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your
room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside medicine
cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - On
northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window
sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized
Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Bears
-------------------------
In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear
conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is
advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra
precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They
advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their
clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting
them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray
with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a
good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black
bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and
contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung
has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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________________________________________________
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-------------------------
Bears
-------------------------
In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear
conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is
advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra
precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They
advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their
clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting
them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray
with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a
good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black
bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and
contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung
has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------
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Monday, February 2, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Frog
-------------------------
There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound
like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really
want to make the sound of a frog now."
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will
you please make a sound like a frog?"
Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that.
I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...
Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa
asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when
you croak we get to go to Disney World!"
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The Frog
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There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound
like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really
want to make the sound of a frog now."
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will
you please make a sound like a frog?"
Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that.
I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...
Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa
asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when
you croak we get to go to Disney World!"
-------------------------
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Sunday, February 1, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st February, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st February, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Rider
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After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.
Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?
The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders.
The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"
The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Rider
-------------------------
After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.
Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?
The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders.
The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"
The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20150201
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
________________________________________________
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