JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Sign
-------------------------
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and
bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his
office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign
back!"
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Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Frying Eggs
-------------------------
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"
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-------------------------
Frying Eggs
-------------------------
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"
-------------------------
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Saturday, December 29, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Alabama Preacher and the KKK
-------------------------
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
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-------------------------
Alabama Preacher and the KKK
-------------------------
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
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Friday, December 28, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Inside Info
-------------------------
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest
in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good
news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When
I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad
news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
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-------------------------
Inside Info
-------------------------
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest
in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good
news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When
I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad
news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
-------------------------
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Thursday, December 27, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Dear Abby
-------------------------
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your
advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
It's the usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently - although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just don't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my boat next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my boat, that I noticed that the lower unit seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Worried Sick in Indiana
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-------------------------
Dear Abby
-------------------------
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your
advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
It's the usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently - although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just don't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my boat next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my boat, that I noticed that the lower unit seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Worried Sick in Indiana
-------------------------
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Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Just because I am Blonde
-------------------------
Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument.
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-------------------------
Just because I am Blonde
-------------------------
Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument.
-------------------------
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Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Small Town
-------------------------
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?" he asked.
"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ... so we're just waiting."
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-------------------------
Small Town
-------------------------
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?" he asked.
"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ... so we're just waiting."
-------------------------
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Sunday, December 23, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Minister takes a Airplane Flight
-------------------------
A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
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-------------------------
Minister takes a Airplane Flight
-------------------------
A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
-------------------------
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Saturday, December 22, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Snow or Rain?
-------------------------
Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night,
when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said
to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said. We, as these things go, they were
about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or
snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking towards
them.
"Let's not fight about it," the husband said, "let's ask Comrade
Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official
approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it official
raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Snow or Rain?
-------------------------
Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night,
when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said
to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said. We, as these things go, they were
about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or
snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking towards
them.
"Let's not fight about it," the husband said, "let's ask Comrade
Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official
approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it official
raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."
-------------------------
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Friday, December 21, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Prize Bull
-------------------------
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it very slow."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Prize Bull
-------------------------
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it very slow."
-------------------------
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Thursday, December 20, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Salt
-------------------------
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being
wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to
the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies,
etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a
glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you
son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,
"But a man is sitting on the well!"
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-------------------------
Salt
-------------------------
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being
wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to
the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies,
etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a
glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you
son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,
"But a man is sitting on the well!"
-------------------------
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Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Good Advice from Maxine
-------------------------
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
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-------------------------
Good Advice from Maxine
-------------------------
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
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Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Herpes
-------------------------
A man was out walking a dog, and a woman stopped to admire
the animal.
"What's your dog's name?" she asked.
"Herpes," replied the dog's owner.
"How....odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?"
"Because he won't heel."
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-------------------------
Herpes
-------------------------
A man was out walking a dog, and a woman stopped to admire
the animal.
"What's your dog's name?" she asked.
"Herpes," replied the dog's owner.
"How....odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?"
"Because he won't heel."
-------------------------
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Monday, December 17, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Laws of the Natural Universe
-------------------------
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with
grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get
a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat
tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works
every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone will ring.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you
know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is
cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to
the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know
what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Laws of the Natural Universe
-------------------------
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with
grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get
a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat
tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works
every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone will ring.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you
know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is
cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to
the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know
what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.
-------------------------
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Sunday, December 16, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
George Carlin's Philosophy Class
-------------------------
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
27. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
30. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
31. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
32. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
33. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
34. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
35. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
38. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
39. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
-------------------------
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-------------------------
George Carlin's Philosophy Class
-------------------------
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
27. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
30. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
31. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
32. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
33. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
34. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
35. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
38. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
39. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
-------------------------
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Saturday, December 15, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Tax Form Humor
-------------------------
MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) - The city's tax superintendent has been suspended without pay for a week for trying to inject some humor in the city income tax filing instructions.
The forms - with such lines as, "If we can tax it, we will," - were sent last week to all Middletown businesses and residents who pay city income tax.
The attempt at humor by Linda Stubbs was called "misguided" by city Finance Director John Lyons.
Lyons said revised forms were sent out immediately at a cost to taxpayers of about $5,500.
Among the lines that city officials didn't think were very funny was this one:
"Free advice: if you don't have a profit in a five-year period, you might want to consider another line of work."
Middletown is about 25 miles northeast of Cincinnati.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Tax Form Humor
-------------------------
MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) - The city's tax superintendent has been suspended without pay for a week for trying to inject some humor in the city income tax filing instructions.
The forms - with such lines as, "If we can tax it, we will," - were sent last week to all Middletown businesses and residents who pay city income tax.
The attempt at humor by Linda Stubbs was called "misguided" by city Finance Director John Lyons.
Lyons said revised forms were sent out immediately at a cost to taxpayers of about $5,500.
Among the lines that city officials didn't think were very funny was this one:
"Free advice: if you don't have a profit in a five-year period, you might want to consider another line of work."
Middletown is about 25 miles northeast of Cincinnati.
-------------------------
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Thursday, December 13, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
A Million Dollars
-------------------------
A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.
"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"
GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"
GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."
The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"
GOD said, "In a minute."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
A Million Dollars
-------------------------
A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.
"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"
GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"
GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."
The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"
GOD said, "In a minute."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
7 Kinds of Sex
-------------------------
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: ! Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".
The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.
The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kid of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!
-------------------------
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-------------------------
7 Kinds of Sex
-------------------------
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: ! Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".
The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.
The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kid of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!
-------------------------
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Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Pleasing Everybody
-------------------------
There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey.
They were going to town and it was decided that
the boy should ride. As they went along they
passed some people who thought that it was a
shame for the boy to ride and the old man to
walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe
the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some more people who thought
that it was a real shame for that man to make
such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe
they both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought
that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey
to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the
critics were right so, they decided that they
both should ride.
They soon passed other people who thought that
it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little
animal. The old man and the boy decided that
maybe the critics were right, so they decided
to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip
on the animal and he fell into the river and
drowned.
The moral of the story: If you try to please
everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Pleasing Everybody
-------------------------
There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey.
They were going to town and it was decided that
the boy should ride. As they went along they
passed some people who thought that it was a
shame for the boy to ride and the old man to
walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe
the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some more people who thought
that it was a real shame for that man to make
such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe
they both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought
that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey
to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the
critics were right so, they decided that they
both should ride.
They soon passed other people who thought that
it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little
animal. The old man and the boy decided that
maybe the critics were right, so they decided
to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip
on the animal and he fell into the river and
drowned.
The moral of the story: If you try to please
everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
-------------------------
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Monday, December 10, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Who to Marry
-------------------------
-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favourite is.......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
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-------------------------
Who to Marry
-------------------------
-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favourite is.......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
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Sunday, December 9, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Scenario
-------------------------
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Don't ride the kiddie merrygo round when you are drunk, so get off.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Scenario
-------------------------
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Don't ride the kiddie merrygo round when you are drunk, so get off.
-------------------------
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Saturday, December 8, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Axioms
-------------------------
Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going to burn your ass.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't need them again.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where in the hell is the ceiling?
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!!
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Be careful...a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.
Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed bump.
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without a hard-on, make him a sandwich!
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!
How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap!
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-------------------------
Axioms
-------------------------
Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going to burn your ass.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't need them again.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where in the hell is the ceiling?
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!!
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Be careful...a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.
Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed bump.
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without a hard-on, make him a sandwich!
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!
How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap!
-------------------------
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Friday, December 7, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Park Bench
-------------------------
Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"
Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Park Bench
-------------------------
Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"
Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."
-------------------------
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Thursday, December 6, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Goldfish Passing
-------------------------
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Goldfish Passing
-------------------------
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Ant Hill
-------------------------
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"
Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Ant Hill
-------------------------
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"
Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Does It Hurt?
-------------------------
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her
first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She
replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will
childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy
to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Does It Hurt?
-------------------------
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her
first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She
replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will
childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy
to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
-------------------------
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Monday, December 3, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Terrible News
-------------------------
Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Terrible News
-------------------------
Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "
-------------------------
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Sunday, December 2, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd December, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Sparrow
-------------------------
Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!
Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Sparrow
-------------------------
Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!
Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.
-------------------------
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