Monday, June 30, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Janitor or Millionaire
-------------------------

Closer Than You Think!

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140630

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bridge
-------------------------

A truck driver was driving along the freeway saw a sign that
read, 'Low Bridge overhead' but, before he could stop, the bridge is
right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police officer approaches, puts his
hands on his hips, and says, "Got stuck - huh?"

"No," the truck driver says, "I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."






-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140629

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Actual Lines from Resumes
-------------------------

I am very detail-oreinted.

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

I am sicking and entry-level position.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.

You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!

I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.

Please disregard the attached resume—it is terribly out of date.

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.

My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.

Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

I am a rabid typist.

Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.

I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.

I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

Special Skills: Speak English.

Served as assistant sore manager.

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.

Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis



-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140628

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The New Suit
-------------------------

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to
the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he
went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous,
he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put
his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no
pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell
me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Whoever heard of a banker with his hands in his
own pockets?"





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140626

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Big Feet
-------------------------

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the
cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."



-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140625

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Church Gossip
-------------------------

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

You gotta love George.





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140624

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Monday, June 23, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Words of Wisdom
-------------------------

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print.
There ain't no way you're going to like it.


If you let a smile be your umbrella,
then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency
in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years,
we'll have thousands of old ladies
running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint,
you are probably dead.




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140623

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Phobia
-------------------------

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into
bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the
bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under,
top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the
shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your
fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said the man.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the
psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten
dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140622

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Best Out of the Office Messages
-------------------------

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to
get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail
will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system..
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Jay'.







-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140621

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Friday, June 20, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bologna Sandwich
-------------------------

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140620

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
How Did You Break Your Arm?
-------------------------

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind
of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were
perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over,
"tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she
was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he
was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form
of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of
course, and the pain did not go away.

If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know
that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with
time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband,
picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she
was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No
one would even notice, he assured her. The white would provide more than
adequate camouflage.So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing
and proceeded to do her thing.

If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is
a right way and a wrong way to "set" your skis so you don't move.
Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not
forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found
herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees,
somehow missing all of them, and onto another slope. Her derriere
and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees,
and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backward,
totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for other skiers.
The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the
lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that
she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last
her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base
of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to
the hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an
obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you
break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the damnest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up
the ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was
this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with
her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes, and her pants down
around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I
didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift.

So how'd you break your arm?"







-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140619

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bricks
-------------------------

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open
window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave
them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.

If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in
engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping. Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been
moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least.

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved,
congratulate them and put them in Executive Management.




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140618

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Aspiring Vet
-------------------------

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary
school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better
serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his
practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones,
Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140617

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Monday, June 16, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Twenty Five Years of Marriage
-------------------------

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140616

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Occupations
-------------------------

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.






-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140615

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cops with a Sense of Humor
-------------------------

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140614

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Friday, June 13, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Chinese Business Trip
-------------------------

A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts
for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player.
Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would
happened if this does not work?'

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads,
'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'.

Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel.
He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it
would not even switch on.

He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange
for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign
assuring him of a guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China. We read from the
right to the left.'




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140613

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Newspaper Headlines
-------------------------

The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The irony
in some of these are absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though
sometimes awkward). Check them out:

- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Teachers Strike Idle Kids
- Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140612

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
50th Wedding Anniversary
-------------------------

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids,
all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm
running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time
to get you both a present."

Not to worry," said the dad.."the important thing is that we're all
here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great,
Dad just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present...
Sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary!
I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy
packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us
are together today." After they had all finished dessert, the father put
down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you,
there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long
time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise
each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother
and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never
found the time to get married."

The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too!"






-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140611

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Indiana Jones
-------------------------

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:

"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""?
The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".

The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.

The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"?
She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES".
She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"

After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"

The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"

She starts singing "Da Da Dah Dahhh Dah Dah Da Da Dah Dahh Dah Dah ..."
(The theme song for Indiana Jones)




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140610

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Monday, June 9, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Generosity
-------------------------

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor.
"I feel really good today. I started out this
morning with an act of unselfish generosity.
I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's
a lot of money to just give away. What did your
husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to
do. He said, 'Thanks.'"





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140609

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Senior Thoughts
-------------------------

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140608

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Vacuum Cleaner Salesman
-------------------------

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to
be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't
got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door..

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you
have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the
remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.."





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140607

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Friday, June 6, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Random Ideas
-------------------------

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
-------------------------------------------------
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
-----------------------------------------------------
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just looking at her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.
-----------------------------------------------
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
--------------------------------------------------------
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
------------------------------------------------------------
I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" get's thrown around in the courtroom.
---------------------------------------------------
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row
-------------------------------------------------------
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning
-------------------------------------------------------------
Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; if you find one, what's your plan?






-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140606

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cigars
-------------------------



A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to
his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands
now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of
cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt
like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in
contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."


Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the
defendant.. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,
"Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would
have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But, I did send them."

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.

"Yes. That's how we won
the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the
cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."



-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140605

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Busy Bus Stop
-------------------------


In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.


Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again,
and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'



The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140604

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Einstein's Speech
-------------------------

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.
One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140603

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Monday, June 2, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bird Tags
-------------------------

According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal
bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has
been changed.

The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey,
abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv."; until the agency received the
following letter from an Arkansas camper:

Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a
crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to
tell you it tasted horrible.

The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."



-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140602

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st June, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st June, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Golf
-------------------------

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to
make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might
affect our relationship.

"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.

"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out
on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get.
If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always
win."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your
honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've
concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The
truth is, "I'm a hooker."

"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and
overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140601

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml