JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Viagra
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Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"
Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."
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Monday, November 30, 2015
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Farmer's Kids
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A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him
and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really
like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him
to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is
needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll
get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that
situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him
wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse ...
"as soon as that tractor is paid for..."
Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes
bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the
tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little
disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of
the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back,
mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to
deserve that!"
The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says,
"Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is
paid for.
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-------------------------
The Farmer's Kids
-------------------------
A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him
and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really
like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him
to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is
needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll
get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that
situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him
wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse ...
"as soon as that tractor is paid for..."
Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes
bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the
tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little
disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of
the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back,
mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to
deserve that!"
The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says,
"Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is
paid for.
-------------------------
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Saturday, November 28, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Old Lady's Phone
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An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found.....
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
.....Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Old Lady's Phone
-------------------------
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found.....
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
.....Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning
-------------------------
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Friday, November 27, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Lift
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As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski
facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long
flight came by and asked me where the lift was.
"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool,
200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man
behind them spoke up.
"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the
elevator."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Lift
-------------------------
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski
facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long
flight came by and asked me where the lift was.
"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool,
200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man
behind them spoke up.
"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the
elevator."
-------------------------
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Thursday, November 26, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Headache
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The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said..
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Headache
-------------------------
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said..
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
-------------------------
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Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Words for the Wise
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1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Sh*thead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!
-------------------------
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Words for the Wise
-------------------------
1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Sh*thead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!
-------------------------
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Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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New Deputy
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The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven", she replies.
The sheriff thinks to himself, "That's not what I wanted, but I guess she's right!"
"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.
"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.
The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a correct answer that had not even occurred to him.
"Now listen carefully, who killed Abe Lincoln?" he asks her.
The blonde looks a little surprised. She thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals are waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant. "The interview went great!" she says. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
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New Deputy
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The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven", she replies.
The sheriff thinks to himself, "That's not what I wanted, but I guess she's right!"
"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.
"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.
The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a correct answer that had not even occurred to him.
"Now listen carefully, who killed Abe Lincoln?" he asks her.
The blonde looks a little surprised. She thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals are waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant. "The interview went great!" she says. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
-------------------------
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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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